


Linger

by sporkyeet



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:28:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24803143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sporkyeet/pseuds/sporkyeet
Summary: "I hate you""I know"Eddie isnt happy about Richie coming back into his lifeHenry has a toxic crush on Richie, that causes him to do something bad :(trigger warnings: all of them, jk RAPE NOT VERY DESCRIPTIVE BUT MENTIONED ALOT, DEPRESSION, ABUSE, KIND OF EATING DISORDERS, UNDERAGE DRINKING AND MARIJUANA USE, HOMOPHOBIA DUHtags are shit using mobile rn hard as shit, anyways Bev kind of a bitch at the end, Richie is an edgelord that can't figure his life out and thinks he's a terrible person, Eddie depressed as shit doing things to keep Richie safe, Bill confused about who he really likes, Stans trying, Mike is the only goddamn mentally stable person here, I misspoke Ben is alright he's just got a more sheltered life than the rest. THEY ALL REALLY OOC AND HOPE IT MAKE SENSE ALRIGHT IM GOING TO STOP PREFACING THIS
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Henry Bowers/Richie Tozier, Patrick Hockstetter/Eddie Kaspbrak
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Linger

**Author's Note:**

> this is it, I posted this on wattpad with the same name. This is the unedited unfinished peice of work ive come attached to, though not all the things here would've made it on wattpad its here. So wattpad is a lot less confusing, and you can tell when i stopped trying. this is all angst and I'm sorry really sorry but I felt like i should give it to the one person that read this shit. Maybe I'll give it a happy ending one day, please take this with a HUGE amount of salt i was depressed and my best friend and i faught and I was alone while writing this.

if all those warnings didn't scare you well good for you ready for a peice of shit work :)

Looking in the mirror the bruises started to turn a dark purple they complimented his freckles on his stomach. 

“Eddie honey are you ready to go” his mother asked sounding impatient.

“Yeah mommy” he pulled his shirt down and walked out of the bathroom.  
He put the meal his Sonia gave him in his bag. 

He walked into school Patrick arm curling around his shoulders. “Hey Eddie” menace cooked into the words.

“Hi Patrick” his voice was small and he wanted someone to save him.

“You didn’t show up last night” His demeanor looked darker with every word he spoke.

“I’m sorry I really tried but I had a doctor’s appointment” Eddie felt inept, he also felt the pressure of Patrick’s hand squeezing more and more on his arm.

“Eddie?” the sound brought a feeling of his chest.

“You better show up tonight or” the words got blurry as Eddie started to block out everything around him.

“Eddie” Ben stated once again as Patrick left the scene. He lightly touched the boy who was unresponsive which caused Eddie to violently jolt and his eyes slicked with fear and a tinge of disgust. “Are you ok?” Eddie recognized the voice and calmed down and smiled.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, how are you?” his eyes darted around while Ben discarded his worry.

“I’m quite alright” the bell rang.

“Shoot well I’ll see you in a bit” he rushed over to his locker trying to quickly put his combo in as quickly as he could while also getting organized to put his things in there.

“Eddie” a voice made his whole being shiver.

“Greta” Her lips smacked as she chewed the bubble gum.

“Patrick wanted me to give this to you, Queer” she shoved the page in his hand and walked off.

It was a bunch of bad drawings of dicks, a bunch of slurs, in the middle was I’m going to beat the shit out of you. The bell rang and he crumpled it up and left to class. 

“Eddie do you have a pass”

“No sorry sir” he took his seat.

He looked down at his legs as his shorts a bruise was peaking through it was starting to turn yellow. He pulled them down and looked at his peers, making eye contact with one before looking away quickly. 

“Where’s Bev” Ben questioned as Bill sat down.

“She has to take a test for math because she skipped with that trashmouth once again” Bill rolled his eyes biting into an apple.

“When is she going to realize that her education is more important than some asshole” Stan judged digging through his lunch.

Eddie looked away eyes bare of any emotion as he searched for the eyes burning through him. His eyes met with Henry Bowers, emotion never struck his eyes Eddie simply turned back around and listened to his friends. They talked as he took a bite of his sandwich, he simply put it back in the bag, his friends didn’t seem to notice this behaviour which started to become a regular process. 

As he walked down the hall to his last class, he felt huge like everyone could see him and he was in the way. His arms felt weak and his eyes felt drupy. Everything seemed to be falling as well as going up then it seemed to focus on a voice everything dripping out of his view except for a voice.

His searcherd for the owners to be enlightened by Bev and Richie they seemed to be bright as everything turned into a swirl of colors.

“Bev” he whispered touching her shoulder lightly hoping to god she would know what to do.

“Eddie” her voice was angeltic while full of worry and confusion.

“I need, she did, please” he couldn't feel much but he could feel the tears starting to fall.

His body was starting to shut off, he knew as soon as it started that his mom put too much in. She put what she called medicine in his food at times, lately he hadn’t been getting sick so she had put more in a lot more than enough to kill a large 6 year old. She always told herself it was for Eddie’s sake for him to get better, so he wouldn’t leave her too, that he would be better with her than anyone else.

He woke up in the bathroom water drench him and spit coming from his mouth, and an ache in his chest. He felt terrible he could still feel it in him but not as much as before. 

“He’s awake” Richie’s voice echoed his head giving him pain.

“Eddie?” Bev’s voice called sounding as angelic as before.

He sat up, head spinning, looking at the two idiots. “How are you in the boys bathroom Bev?” his mind not registering what exactly was happening.

“Oh my god Eddie, are you ok?” Bev ignored the question hugging the boy.

“I’m fine, I’m fine I’m sorry to burden you guys” he left his arms down not hugging the girl back.

“You’re not burdening us you idiot” she smiled at him wiping the little spit that was on his chin.

Richie stood feeling like an outsider in the situation, “So you’re mom still gives you meth” he joked, trying to ease the mood.

“Don’t talk to me” Eddie pushed himself off the counter grabbing his things wobbly moving.

Richie grabbed his shoulders loosely, trying to stabilize himself, “Get you’re fuckng filthy hands off me, Eddie detested shoving him away. Bev stood a little bit away from them watching worried. 

“He’s just trying to-”

“Trying to help what, you don’t know a thing about that disgusting, thing right there” Eddie angrily interrupted the girl. Richie stood sadly looking at the situation not trying to cover for himself at all.

“Richie is a good person he helped to ok whatever happened he’s changed” Bev trying to stick up for the all of a sudden quiet boy.

“Yeah and Henery Bowers has helped me to it doesn’t mean jack shit thank you for the help” he paused getting his bag on and heading to the door “Fuck you Richie” he opened the door still feeling terribly sick he stumbled to the nurses office.

“Eddie pleasure to see you again”

“Hi Ms. Reed, I feel terrible I’ve spent this last hour in the bathroom puking so can you call my mom” his eyes holding not a single ounce of hatred he had minutes ago.

“Oh my baby boy, are you ok you’re burning up oh god” she worried as he got in the car, she touched him and kissed him making him feel disgusted with himself.

“Hi mommy” he smiled faintly before she started to drive off. 

He watched the houses go by until they slowed at his own. 

“I’m sorry baby but I really have to go back to work, I’ll be back as soon as I can be I promise alright you lay down and get some rest honey there’s a meal already made for you ok. Be careful and don’t leave the house” She said rubbing up on him.

“Of course mommy, I’ll be good take as long as you need at work I’m perfectly fine here” he smiled hugging her.

He walked to the library turning off all of his emotions as he walked there knowing what was to come. Patrick waited for him, leaning on the back of the building that was mostly closed off, smoking a cigarette.

He smudged it against the wall before firmly putting Eddie there, their lips clashed Eddie forced himself to contribute as later it would bite him in the ass. Soon their lips parted and Eddie was being smashed against the wall repeatedly, fists started to be implanted into his small body. Tears never fell, only disgust filled inside of him the touch of someone else was making him want to rip his skin off.

Once he got home, treated any wound he had gotten. He brushed his teeth intensely, he brushed them multiple times wanted to forget the feel of his tongue on his. He scrubbed his skin in the shower so hard it was starting to bleed faintly in places, all while tears streamed down his face.

The effects were still in place, he couldn’t find a spot that seemed stable, his head pounded, while he sweated profusely. He laid on the couch while the tv played some cartoons. 

“Munchkins oh baby you must be starving you haven’t eaten in awhile” Sonia coaxed as her son store blankly at her.

“I’m not hungry, I’m really tired and I think I should go to sleep” he bargained not wanting to eat anything she gave him. 

“Alright I guess if that will help, you should take your meds before you go to sleep”

He nodded walking into bathroom digging through his fanny pack and medicine cabinet for his meds. He takes them then retires to his room.

“Alright, we’ll play truth or dare” Bill finally gives in to the rest of the party.

They all decided to hang out at Bill’s house for the weekend, except Ben who couldn’t make it which was replaced by the one and only Trashmouth which was Bevs’ idea.

“Stan truth or Dare” Mike asked.

“Dare” he says not so confidently.

“Lick Bill’s foot”

Stan does as told while Bill protests. Stan mildly achieved searches for a target “Eddie truth or dare” Eddie looks up surprised someone is talking to him.

“Truth” his quiet voice sticks in his head.

“What does Patrick want with you” Stan asks with no remorse, Richie’s eyes watch with shock and fear as his posture changes to match the information given. 

Eddie watched as no one else reacted as he did the same still looking as blank as before “Just some money or something I don’t know he’s a dick”

Everyone seemed pleased with his answer, except Richie who blow wafts of guilt through the whole room. “Bill truth or dare”

“Dare”

“Hit on Bev” Eddie looked over to Richie knowing what chaos his mind was just thrown into.

“What no, whatever I’m not good at this uh Bev uh you’re cool I guess I mean yeah you got this coolness about you anyways I think that’s it” Bill stuttered. Everyone laughed at his bad flirting.

Soon Richie was an outcast not being talked to and just sitting and watching them all be friends. His mind drifted back and forth to moments.

“Richie truth or dare” Bev asked.

“Dare”

“Strip Eddie in the bathroom” The game had already escalated pretty far, they all played it off as the game but truly it was weird.

“What no way that’s disgusting being naked with another person, especially in a bathroom is utterly disgusting you know how much bacteria is on him or on the floor”

“Come on Eddie just do it” Stan convinced him.

Richie stood up, “Last time I was in the bathroom with someone else was because I was boning your mom” he joked as Eddie reluctantly went with.

The bathroom door closed and the boys were met with utter silence and awkwardness.

“So uh should we get to the business” Richie said looking away from him.

“You will not be removing a single piece of clothing off my body” Eddie looked him in the eyes.

“Come on it just a dare, how about just your shirt then we can go” Richie bargained.

“No, no way in hell” Eddie was no way going to give in, until Richie gave him puppy dog eyes. “FIne you asshole this means absolutely nothing” 

Eddie felt slender fingers touch his hip and peel his shirt off, before it could go any higher than his belly button Eddie shoved his hands down “I changed my mind fuck off you creep” after that being said they walk out looking the as before.

“What happened” Mike joked.

“Absolutely nothing” Richie answered.

The game continued like nothing happened joking and forcing each other to do things. They changed the game multiple times before just talking.

Stan talked about birds, Eddie always got excited to see Stan’s face when he would talk about birds, Bev talked about drama as did Bill, Mike talked about his animals and his favourite, Richie joked with all of them, and Eddie didn’t really talk. He used to always talk almost as much as Richie but after Richie fucked up and his life fell into the hell hole along with his mental health he could barely talk about really anything.

Eddie dug through his fannypack looking for a glass cleaner for Richie instead he finds a piece of paper. Saturday 6:00 or I’ll beat the shit out of your precious boy and then proceed to tell everyone about his secret. Staring at the paper he read it over and over again until it was engraved in his brain.

“What, What time is it?” he questions fear growing from a little seed into an entire tree blooming in his mind.

“5:47 only, gosh seems like we’ve been here barely an hour” Stan replies.

“Fuck, I need to leave I’ll be back I uh forgot a med maybe I’ll be back I promise” Eddie panics crumpling the paper.

“Gonna go fuck your mom” Richie remarks.

“Fuck you Richie” Eddie spits at him, angerily leaving.

“What the fuck is his issue” Richie wipes his the spit off his cheek.

Eddie pedals as fast as he wants to make it before his time runs out. His mind was still in the state of being with friends, feeling things were only for them not for Patrick, Sonia, school mate, or anyone other than them. 

Patrick stood behind the library as usual. “Why would you put that note in my fanny pack I could’ve not found it” He threw down his bike trying to catch his breath grabbing his inhaler. “If you want me to come be reasonable about your placement of notes” Eddie had his hands on his knees leaving Patrick out of view.

Fingers slipped around his neck, gripping harshly and hitting him to the wall. “You will come no matter what you fucking fairy” Patrick started to tighten his grip on his neck as Eddie scratched at his fingers.

“Stop” he croaked out, “people will see” he voice barely managed to get out the words that were crisp and broken.

Patrick gave in and let go of his throat letting Eddie breath once again, he soon stuck his cigarette into his shoulder causing Eddie to yelp in pain. Patrick stuck his hand in Eddie’s shorts, receiving a shocked twitch. Eyes seemed to cower in fear and disgust while the other pair was filled with lust and hatred. 

Searching through the possible endings, he didn’t know if he reacted or didn’t would be worse both possibilities would be terrible. He tried and tried to get hard, it was not normal for him he hated the feeling and idea so he struggled. He played every memory of every girl he had ever talked to which didn’t work he got no reaction. Soon his mind was put to Richie every moment they had had together all the laughs, the touches, the ‘platonic’ kisses on the forehead or cheek, his stupid nose and eyes and glasses and hair. It somehow sparked something in him which made Patrick’s sickening grin deeper as the boy had reacted to his hand.

After Patrick surprisingly cleaned him up, wiping Eddie clean of any remaining seman. The sudden kind jester made Eddie want to push away or retaliate but just accepted it just like he accepted the beatings, the sexual stuff, his mother’s poison, Richie’s ignorance, everyone’s thing he just always accepted it even if deep inside it was a little pebble clogging his little stream of what he wanted to say each one pushing it back keeping it in a pool like a damn just waiting to be set free.

He couldn’t go home and wash like usual, he was stuck with his disgusting hand prints, his tongue and lips, his bruises all left not being able to be washed off stuck on his skin. Pedaling back he was defeated, he tried to go fast but his body and mind wouldn’t let him.

He walked back into Bill’s house greeting Bill’s parents happily before scurrying back to the basement.

“EDDIE!” Stan called and the rest joined with him smiling as he walked to his seat. “Where’d you go” Stan was concerned it was obvious, he was the only one who knew about his meetings with Patrick he didn’t know what they did he just knew they existed.

“I realized I didn’t pack one of my meds so then I ran home and you know how my mom is so I couldn’t escape her” he tried to cover hoping no one could see anything.

“What your mom give you a hickey” Richie joked pointing to the mild bruise on his neck.

“WHAT NO idiot god it’s a burn fucktard” Eddie covered his neck quickly, knowing the bruise was from Patrick’s brutal ways today he was not normal.

“YOu BURNED YOUR NECK you idiot” Richie laughed, as Eddie was trying to quickly come up with a story.

“Yes, I was ironing my shirt for tomorrow and the phone rang and I stuck the iron to my neck and said hello” Eddie explained trying to be quiet as he imagined the embarrassing events.

They all laughed at the stupidity of the story, someone nudged his shoulder and he winced at them touching his burn which wasn’t properly treated. They spent the rest of the night as if nothing had happened, he felt really aware of anyone touching him and all of his body.

Richie’s hand ended up touching Eddie’s forearm which erupted a shriek from the boy. Everyone looked at the pair. “Don’t touch me” Eddie stuttered with fear instead of anger.

None of the other losers other than Bev and Eddie knew Richie they knew of him but they didn’t hang out and they talked to him once or twice. Stan saw this interaction and lost any sense of security with the glasses boy, his best friend's childhood friend caused him to scream which was a dead give away that he wasn’t worth any of his time or trust. “What the fuck trashmouth” Stan was in a mother instinact moment and he was already going over to Eddie.

Richie knew he fucked up, he knew Eddie was the one they all were protective over, he knew Eddie hated being touched by him after what happened, he knew, he did yet he still did it. “I’m sorry it was an accident I swear” he tried to compromise but they all were already choosing he was an outsider, an outcast, a creep, not needed here.

“It’s ok” Eddie stuttered still fearful as Stan sat in the middle of them.

Everything continued, except Eddie and Richie they sat with Stan separating them. The tension between them was becoming too much to bare.

“You need to quit that habit” Bill lectured as Bev coughed.

“Uhh may I shower” Eddie questioned knowing it was a weird question.

“Yeah of course, I’ll go grab you a towel” Bill smiled as he stuttered.

“Thank you Bill” 

He waited for a bit, he could hear the Denbrough’s talking he couldn’t make out what they were saying. Bill arrived with a towel and a bottle of body wash, “I realized we didn’t have any body wash down here” he handed the items to the smaller boy. 

“Thank you Bill” He went to his bag and grabbed his pyjamas. In the corner of his eye he could see Richie sitting in silence with a little notebook on his lap, Eddie knew what was happening to the boy. The thoughts were starting to get to him, the thoughts that Eddie indirectly put there. Sympathy melted into his heart, he knew the boy hated silence or being alone he knew but he still put him in this situation.

“Richie” Eddie sat down next to him, not close enough for any physical contact. “I like that one” Eddie pointed to one of the little paintings on his book, the page was filled with sketches and paintings alike.

“Yeah” Richie was sucked out of his thoughts when Eddie touched his sketchbook “you do Eds?” he repeated as if he didn’t say ‘yeah’ like an idiot.

“Don’t call me that, and yeah you’ve improved a lot since the last time I’ve seen your work” Eddie’s voice was sweet and playful Richie felt like crying because of nostalgia.

“Yeah I’ve practiced, drawing Bev really helps with anatomy and when smoking you can find beautiful landscapes” he was ecstatic even though there was a sad undertone in the conversation.

“Bev is really pretty” Eddie looks at the girl, jealous of the attention she was given from him but also sorrowful that Bev is now better than him in his eyes. He knew he had no right to be feeling these things as it was his fault that they had a falling out.

“Yeah she is” they fell into silence sitting there looking over at the group of friends talking. “I’m sorry” it was quiet but it still shattered the silence between them.

Eddie knew what it was about, it wasn’t about him touching him, or fucking up their friendship, or even being a bad friend “I know” a small smile fell upon his face.

Eddie stood up after a few minutes of silence, he reached out his hand to Richie while his other hand was full of his showering supplies. “Come on” Richie looked unsure as he grabbed his hand.

“You’re touching me” his voice was shaky as they stood hand in hand.

“Yeah one time thing” Eddie looked at the boy in front of him while he looked at their hands, his skin felt dirty there was no reason to hold back he would just wash the filth off. “Go socialize you loser”

“Yeah, Yeah I am” Richie’s face fell when Eddie let go of his hand. Words seemed to be left unsaid as they walked away from each other, lingering on their tongues waiting to not be unheard but they never did they continued their silent walk.

Eddie showered scrubbing his body hard but not as hard as usual because that would raise suspicion he also brushed his teeth furiously. While the water hit the floor Richie was chatting with the rest of the losers.

“And then the bitch had the audacity to sit next to me in class after that” Bev explained. 

“Should’ve beat her up” Richie said and the other’s agreed. Eddie came walking out, he had some shorts paired with a sweater.

“Hey Bill where should I put the towel” Richie always enjoyed looking at him after a shower, it wasn’t in a lewd way just his hair would get in his eyes, his skin always looked clean and pretty, and his eyes were shiny not in a depressed way more of the stars fell into my eyes while I showered way.

He realized no one else was looking at him, of course they wouldn’t they didn’t feel anything when they looked at boys they were normal they didn’t lie awake wanting to jump off a bridge because of the thoughts that he may like boys. They liked girls like they were supposed they didn’t ruin an entire friendship over something so stupid like that.

“I’ll take care of it” the stuttered sentence dragged Richie out of his thoughts and placed his eyes back on the floor, catching Stan’s before doing so. Bill walked upstairs his mom started talking to as soon as the basement door opened. 

Eddie sat down next to him it was the only open seat besides Bill’s. Richie wanted to do nothing but touch his hair, of course he wouldn’t the moment from before was gone he would have a fit if the curly-haired boy touched him. Even so the simple idea of ruffling the others hair was compelling. “Hey Eds, smash or pass Stan the man I mean if you swung that way” Richie joked.

“Oh I would so smash Stan” Stan seemed offended by the information.

“Pass, Stan wouldn’t be my type” Mike says, which made Stan unsure which was more infuriating.

“Pass Stan is like a brother to me” Bev smiled as did Stan.

“What about you Trashmouth” Stan inquired.

“Oh Stan is definitely on the Smash list, but he probably couldn't handle my massive penis” Richie jokes.

“As if you have one bigger than your pinkie” 

“Like you would know yours probably couldn’t even become snipped at your Jewish thing because it’s so small.”

“It is not mine is probably bigger than yours” Stan persisted.

“I seriously doubt that”

“Alright I don’t want to see either of your dicks so let’s stop that there” Mike intertwined.

“I see how it is smash or pass Bev” Richie accepted defeat “Pass I’m not into redheads, I like jewish blondes” Richie joked raising his eyebrows at Stan, which received a middle finger back.

“Pass, she’s with Ben” Mike said respectfully.

“Pass she’s a sister to me,” Eddie said surrounding himself with blankets.

“Pass no offense Bev” Stan said as Bill walked downstairs.

“Aww you guys are so nice”

Bill had brought snacks for everyone. The rest of the night went by faster, Richie composed his soon to be last night and his wishes to ruffle eddies hair that looked like a bowl cut but a nice one. They were soon all laying on the floor, Stan and Eddie were that closest to Richie.

All urges were to beat the shit out of Patrick, but he knew if he did everything would come pouring down and he would be left but nothing other than a little sand peice. He couldn’t beat someone up for something that his fault it was wrong.

“Whatcha readin Eds” Iasked jokingly, we were 14 then 2 years ago. “Finally receive a love note”

“No it’s nothing, anyways what are we doing after school again” Eddie smiled, it was one that I knew was fake I should’ve pressed I should’ve stole the note I should’ve done something.

“You’re coming over to my house, it’s christmas soon” I was such a cheery bastard then.

“Oh yeah of course” He was off and I knew but I Didn't do anything of course I didn’t I’m a worthless piece of shit.

Richie gave the boy a little gift, it was a book that Eddie had been staring at I also painted a little bookmark for him it was little sunflowers with a nice blue background with a few clouds. I wonder if he still had the book even if it just sat on a simple bookshelf all day.

“You fucking faggot” Henry fucking Bowers, was pressing Eddie against the wall. So many slurs were said before he saw me I should’ve stepped in and helped him done something so he wouldn’t of been in pain any longer. I didn’t though I fucking didn’t I did the oppisite. I fucking hit him I said those disgusting words to. I am a monster. 

I understand why he hates me, I’m also the reason Patrick does that shit because I trusted mother fucking Henery bowers. A little secret between step-bros of course he’s fucked up in the head so I should’ve known better. I should’ve.

His mind began to cluster full of all the possibilities of what could’ve happened and how fucked up he is. The thoughts evaded when a hand touched his thigh, he looked down to see if the hand belonged to a sleeping boy. Meeting his eyes with a pair of beautiful brown eyes, he was touching him and soon his little mind was filling up with those insane thoughts like a balloon. Their eyes held each other's’ for a little while, the sadness and betrayal was still there as well as the protectiveness, the want to laugh, and the simple bond. The burned bridges started to seem a little less burnt.

Eddie was sitting on the floor of Bev’s room with Bill and Richie accompanying him, Bev’s Dad had gone on a business trip and his sister would come over and check on her. Bev had gone to get all of her clothes, they all thought it would be funny to see them in girl clothes. Eddie went to the bathroom and put on a flowery dress it was a sundress. He saw himself in the mirror, and for a split second he didn’t hate the way he looked.

“OooOh Eddie you look good in that” Bev complimented, while Bill was covering his skin with a skirt and an ugly scruffy shirt. Richie was in overalls, to short for him, and a cute little pink shirt. 

Eddie knew that this was a joke, and he was supposed to feel funny in this clothing. It was comforting wearing this dress, the fabric against his bruises was the only thing he wanted to touch them, the hem hitting his leg lightly as he rocked back and forth it felt right like it was supposed to happen like he was meant to wear these clothes. He looked at the other boys and noticed their red faces as they laughed, he wanted to feel like them, like this was a joke like everything would pass over, like you didn’t have a care in the world.

“Alright get close together, I want this to be something I remember” Bev laughed grabbing her polaroid.

Eddie squeezed up next to Bill, while Richie put his arm around Bill’s neck touching Eddie’s hair and twirling it in his fingertips. Eddie kept his smile even though his hair being touched by him made him want to shave it all off and then burn it. Bev took the picture and shook it.

Eddie immediately pushed away and touched his hair wear Richie had touched it. The other boys changed back into their clothes, he just laid onto Bev’s bed looking at her popcorn ceiling. 

“Patrick’s gotten more touchy and aggressive” Richie dropped his pants and looked at the boy his eyes were full of sorrow and guilt. Bill went into a protective state as he was the leader and if someone was doing anything it was his job to protect them. Bev looked over concerned. “That bruise on my neck the other weekend it was because he choked me, and every since than he’s been way more sexual than he used to” Eddie had shut off his emotions, it was his first time talking about it with anyone and he wasn’t going to cry over something so stupid.

“But after he’s nicer, he wipes me off and gives me band-aids. His threats have gotten worse to it’s not just about them, it’s about me and all the other losers and I hate it I fucking hate it Bev” Eddie starts to get angery thinking that he’s stuck in an endless loop of abuse. 

“What does he do to you Eddie” Bill stuttered, his stuttering was really bad now.

“He shoves his tongue in my mouth, and touches me you know down there. And after that if he doesn’t make me do anything to him he’ll beat the shit out of me, all while he has this look this look that he’s in control and that I deserve it it’s disgusting” Eddie explained sitting up, and using his hands to explain.

“I’m sorry Eddie I’m so fucking sorry we should beat the shit out of him” Bev tries to comfort him.

Richie stood still processing all of the information he was given. His legs failed him as tears started to pour out his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I’m so sorry Eds I’m sorry” he continued his mantra as he curled in a ball, in his boxers and that pink shirt.

“Richie this isn’t your fault their assholes” Bev tried to comfort him, and Bill had started to rub circles in his back.

“It is it fucking is if I would’ve just not said anything to Henry or left Eds alone that day or even helped. It’s my fucking fault and I’m so sorry Eds I really am. I really have no excuses I’m sorry” Richie looked into Eddie’s eyes as he sat crying on the floor his eyes were full of sincerity and guilt. Eddie’s eyes met them with a dead cold stare no emotion in them nothing they were empty like when he’s with Patrick.

“Riche it’s not your fault, you trusted that Henry was sane. Stop fucking crying like a baby on the floor and calm down not even an once blames this on you.” Eddie sounded sincere but his eyes had nothing behind them. “I’m sorry I brought it up, it's just that I’ve been bottling it up for so long” Richie wiped his tears and put his pants on.

“No it’s fine you can continue if you want” Bill stuttered barely able to finish the sentence.

Eddie nods his head, and starts taking off his dress “Hey what the fuck Eds” Richie quickly turned around.

“Stop being a pussy Rich” Bev lectured sitting on her bed watching Eddie undress.

Richie looked back at them to find Eddie’s bruised body. The bruises were different colors and scattered around the boys abdomen. “I’ll kill him” Bill said angered by the view, everyone else agreed. 

“He uh sucks your thighs” Richie the first to notice the hickeys on the inner workings of his thigh, after he spoke his face went up in flames. Eddie put his dress back on.

“Yeah it’s fucked but he wants a reaction what better way” Eddie laid back on the bed, sighing at the words he said.

“We should kill him” Bill sat down on the floor shaken up by what his friend had been going through.

“Then we’ll have charged on our hands. And nope can’t turn him in boys who rape boys don’t really get anything and even if he did he would just get bailed out or something and beat the shit out of me. Running away nope mom would find me and Patrick would kill me. Becoming homeschooled isn’t gonna work because he knows where I live. Nothing will work and I’m stuck in this loop of waking up and being abused by fucking assholes” Eddie started to get pissed by the end of the tangent.

They all stayed quiet for a little bit seeing as Eddie was right there was no escape. “The only way out is to die” Eddie’s voice was angeltic while he said this, full of hope and want. Everyone else heard the words as poison and lies.

“Eddie you wouldn’t actually” Bill stuttered scared by what Eddie was referring to.

“You wake up eat poisoned food, go to school have another abuser say that if you don’t meet with him he’ll out someone and stabbed you, you go to lunch don’t eat and no one notices, finish school eat poisoned food again, tell your mom you’re tutoring some kid but really you’re going to get beat up and you can’t tell anyone because they’ll just pity you and that’s not what you want. You go home scrub your skin clean from what he did to you and lie awake thinking that your sleeping pills can make it all go away” he stared at the ceiling as he explained what he was going through.

“Eds come on your not a pussy you wouldn’t do that” Richie was trying to compromise with the boy.

“What’s stopping me” Eddie was serious, he also felt as though he was over sharing which was probably true.

“Come on Eddie you're scaring me I get life’s fucked but one day you can move to Oregon or something find somebody or not and get a good job and live life happily life isn’t just teenage years”

“But that’s the thing think about it. I’m going to have to live with this forever stunted growth and terrible health, being terrified of human contact I already deal with that Richie touches me and I feel as though I need to scrub that piece of skin off. And statically speaking a person who was abused at younger ages is more likely to end up with someone who’s abusive so what’s the point of living if I’m just gonna regret waking up everyday” Richie felt bad for touching him after hearing the words float through him.

“Because you don’t know that you don’t know if it'll last forever, Eddie we’ll make a reason for you to enjoy being alive again” Bill smiled trying to reason with him.

“Yeah we will we’ll try as hard as we can” Bev enthused.

“I’ll help too and the losers can be there too” Richie confirmed.

“You guys are great, I love you guys except Richie he’s on the fence” Eddie joked, emotion finally filling his face again.

“Richie’s not that bad,” Bill said.

“See I got stuttering Bill on my side” the air in the room seemed lighter.

They talked and joked, the three still worried about Eddie. Smiles were plastered on their faces even if the topic from a bit ago still filled there thoughts.

“Are you gonna change Eds?” 

“Don’t call me that and I actually kind of enjoy wearing it”

“What?” Richie was not having it.

“It’s like when you open a present and it’s that thing you’ve been begging for all year I guess I don’t know it’s stupid I should go change” Eddie deafeated walked away.

“What no it’s I mean it looks great on you no need to change” Richie uttered swear words his breath.

“No it’s fine I need to change into pyjamas anyways” Eddie walked to the bathroom.

“Eds I’m sorry” Richie whispered on the floor they laid on.

“What now” Eddie was sick of his apologies, they were meaningless and didn’t change anything.

“You look good in that dress and I shouldn’t have said anything about it” 

“Yeah well you did to bad” Eddie rolled over so he wouldn’t face him any longer.

Eddie’s hand slithered into Richie’s underneath their blanket. This made Eddie feel calm even though he hated being touched by him, it made him feel at home and safe. 

“When we’re older you won’t leave right Richie” I said laying in his bed at the age of 8 after he ate a spider because I was dared to.

“Eds I am never gonna leave you” he grabbed my hand smiling.

“My mom’s gonna be pissed at me” I started to tear up, I had just scratched my head at the age of 9 and a half.

Richie grabbed my hand sitting on the curb “You’ll be fine she’s probably just gonna say ‘oh Eddie my baby boy you almost died didn’t you are you ok’ it’ll heal up in a jiffy”

I had been crying all day, and snuck out to go over to Richie’s when I was 11 and he just held my hand and talked me down. 

“RICHIE YOU ASSHOLE WHY why would you do that” it was after he and Henry beat me up because I wore pink which meant I was a fairy. He grabbed my hand and whispered a thousand I’m sorries.

“I love you” Richie whispered in my ear as he let go of my hand, I never got to say it back or even remember it happened I often think it was a dream.

“I love you too” he whispered quietly.

“What’d you say” RIchie asked looking over at him.

“No other touching than this”

“Yeah of course”

“Patrick we promised no more on weekends” Eddie said shuffling at the contact. “Patrick stop, stop please PATRICK” he was stabbing into his side as he kissed his neck.

“STOP” Patrick looked up and his face morphed into Richie’s and he had that same smile on his face and his eyes were coaxed in lust and hatred. 

“Eds, Eddie come on wake up”

“Richie” his eyes adjusted to the darkness as he rubbed his eyes and sat up.

“Are you ok you said Patrick’s name I was worried” he whispered bringing Eddie’s head into his chest. He quickly let go and scooted back looking away “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to it was instinct”

“No it’s fine I haven’t seen him in a few days so it’s not as bad” he crawled over to Richie and sat in his lap. “Did you mean it” Eddie whispered laying his head.

“Mean what” Richie touched his hair wrapping it around his finger over and over again.

“November 16th 8th grade year” his voice was a little raspy from not being awake for awhile.

“Of course, maybe not as much anymore but I still do” Richie thought maybe he answered wrong as Eddie became silent after that. 

“I hate you”

“I know” Richie kept rubbing his back and playing with his hair.

“You’re a jackass Richie” Eddie mumbled, snuggling into his chest.

“Whatever you say Eds”

“I miss you in the slightest”

“I miss you too” 

“Remember when you tried to make me kiss a frog, because and I quote ‘it’ll be your first girlfriend’” 

“Yeah and you said something about not wanting to get some imaginary disease” Richie smiled at the melancholy memory.

“It was a real disease and then you threw at me which was disgusting” Richie hated when he used that word for anything because he used it to describe him, and that meant he was like those things.

“I’m sure it was”

Eddie fell silent once again. His hands started to grip the others shirt as tightly as possible. It was starting to take effect again, he wanted to rip himself from Richie’s grip and then burn his skin and body but he also felt safe in his grasp.

“I’m tired again” Eddie yawns, and begins to get off Richie’s lap “thank you Trashmouth”

“Of course Eds, if you have another nightmare wake me up”

Eddie had already fallen asleep, by the time he finished the sentence.

“Hi Mommy” Eddie said trying to be cheery.

“Hi Eddie how was Billy’s”

“Great, but I have a test coming up so I have to go study alright mommy I love you”

No escape, no escape, no escape, NO ESCAPE, NO ESCAPE, NO ESCAPE.

His mind repeated over and over again getting louder after every word. It began to become too loud for him to bare. His hands shakingly searched for his sleeping meds, as he found them he tried repeatedly tried to open them. A knock came over the voice. He looked at the door, throwing his pill bottle on the floor. Another came and he realized it was the window.

“Richie?” he opened the window, confused as to why he was here.

“Hey I know you hate when I do this, but Bev told me to give this to you” He handed him a piece of fabric.

“The dress?” Eddie let it unfold as he held the shoulders. 

“Yeah she never wears it” Richie smiled head resting on the windowsill.

“I have something for you too” He put the dress on his and grabbed a little box from underneath the bed.

He took out a piece of paper before standing up and bringing the box to the window.

“It’s all the christmas and birthday presents from the past 3 years. Now go home Tozier” 

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow Eds”

“If you show up” Eddie smiled and closed the window.

Richie walked up to his room holding a shoe box. Opening it he found a few things, they also had little notes taped to them. A Walkman equipped with some shitty headphones, the note read ‘when you can’t stop thinking’ he already had one, from Bev, but he wouldn’t know that. A pocket knife which he didn’t know how he was brave enough to even touch ‘Fuck Henry Bowers’ this one read.

Some socks with prints on them ‘stop wearing your shoes without socks.’ A ring that wouldn’t fit any of his fingers ‘this is stupid, but you wear that stupid ring on your finger and it looked lonely’. A pill bottle of vitamins ‘You look malnourished you idiot you best be eating’. And lastly a book he recognized the bookmark in it, it was the book he had given him, ‘I hate you so much Richie, but this book on my shelf, it's like you're here so I’m letting you enjoy the book. Fuck you trashmouth’. He wiped his eyes from the one tear that was falling.

He hated them all, he hated that Eddie still thought about him even after his cowardice got the better of him. He hated he knew all of these things about him and worried about him still. It was disgusting.

“Eddie” Patrick purred in his ear.

“Yes” Eddie wanted anyone else to notice him.

“Park tonight 6 pm”

“The park? But that’s an open area, you said it was always gonna be semi-private” Eddie started to panic thinking he did something wrong and he was going to do everything he said.

“We’re not doing that tonight” His voice was like poisoned sugar.

“Oh uh ok”

“Eddie” Bill smiled standing next to Stan.

“Bill, Stan hi” He started walking towards, but Patrick gripped his wrist tightly.

“Be there or that kid is dead” he let go and walked away.

“Eddie you ok?” Stan questioned because of the look of fear on his face.

“Uh yeah” he paused “Yeah I’m fine” he reassured.

Bill gave him a concerned look “We were thinking about going to seeing Mike after school”

“Uh I’ll try but you know how my mom is” he made up an excuse.

“Yeah, fuck her Mike never gets to see all of us” Stan compromised.

“If I keep lying to her she’s gonna catch on”

“Come on man, oh TOZIER” Stan shouted at the boy who was startled by the sudden voice.

“Stan the man how are you?” Richie came over, attempting to lean on Eddie but failed because he moved.

“Hey wanna come with to Mike’s” Bill stuttered as they started walking.

“Su-”

“NO, he’s got a date with me so yeah he can’t go with” Eddie frantically explained while everyone started to get confused.

“I do?” Richie questioned.

“Yes, Park 5 o’clock, I gotta go study with Ben” He walked away ashamed of what he just said.

“Ben, Bev” he nodded to the two as he sat down in the library.

“Eddie” they both smiled. 

They studied all of the first hour, which was all of their study halls. They studied for the History final that could make or break their grade.

“What is he doing here, in my spot” Eddie angrily spoke about Richie sitting at their table.

“Oh Eds this is your spot” Richie sarcastically said standing up from the table.

“Don’t call me that” Eddie sat down in the warmed up seat.

He grabbed an apple out, looking for any small holes. He found one and he rubbed his thumb over it repeatedly. She knew he didn’t eat it so she put way too much in all of it in case he ate a little bit of it.

He wasn’t hungry but he still ate the apple, then the juice which was utterly disgusting. “Eddie are you ok?” Bev asked, one of the few times she was actually here for lunch.

“What yeah of course” he wasn’t, the thought of dying still grew in his mind this was an easy way out.

Poor kid dies from Mother poisoning him. 

It was the perfect way to get it over with. It also was painful.

“Eds why did you invite me out here” Richie asked on the swing set.

“It’s stupid you can go, the Hanlon farm is a little ways out of town you know where the bowers farm is yeah a little ways past that you can’t miss it” Eddie sighed, while Richie laughed.

“I’m not leaving, you don’t bail on a date”

“I’m not gay and it isn’t really a date Patrick asked me to come here instead of the normal spot. I was worried ok but it’s getting closer to 6 you should go” Eddie pushed against the ground making a little sway in the swing.

“I’ll stay, I’ll be right around the corner” Richie smiled getting up from the swing.

“No, come on Richie I get your stubborn but I don’t want you here.”

“Eds” he said saddened as if he dropped his ice cream cone.

“Just fuck off Richie, when will you learn that I don’t need you” Eddie heard the words come out of his mouth and he wanted to be a vaccum and take everything bad or unclean away.

“Eddie I’m” his voice cut off and he became defeated.

“Go away” Eddie said one last time, and Richie finally complied.

He waited in silence for a few minutes before Patrick’s car came pulling up. It was actually Henry’s car but Patrick borrowed it for this. “faggot get in” Eddie obliged, sacred he was about to be murdered and thrown into the quarry after being stabbed multiple times.

Eddie buckled up, even though he thought he was going to be murdered later. They started to drive, he saw Richie walking with his head down. 

They stopped in the middle of nowhere, Eddie was now a hundred percent sure he was going to be murdered. Patrick opened his door, grabbed his wrist and started walking. Once they reached a small stream Patrick let go of his hand. Eddie started to feel bad for treating Richie the way he did, because that was gonna be the last interaction with anyone before he dies.

Patrick pulled Eddie closer kissing him, this time it wasn’t full of lust and hatred, it was more of a passionate sad kiss. Eddie stuck his tongue in his mouth this time, even though he wasn’t sure what to do.

Eddie pulled away, “What’re you doing Patrick” he wiped his mouth confused.

“What you say to me faggot” Patrick started pushing him to the tree.

“Stop adding emotion to this” Eddie pleaded as he was against the wall.

He didn’t reply he just kissed him again, Eddie continued to be more dominant unlike most times. This time was unlike any other time, no hurting, being emotional, and letting Eddie do things it was strange. Patrick’s hands roamed his body touching him in a different way, not like he was trying to find something more of this is mine and you don’t get to play with it.

Patrick helped him back to the car, where he cleaned him of anything. There was no punches, or any new bruises.

“Why’re you being nice” Eddie asked sitting in the car facing the older boy.

“Shut up” Patrick muttered as he started the car.

“How did you borrow Henry’s car” Eddie continued to question the boy.

“Why are you so curious today, this doesn’t change anything” Patrick was starting to speed.

“Sorry”

“Hi mommy” Eddie smiled opening the door.

“Eddie bear are you ok” Sonia was over worried, but he was also looking really pale.

“Yeah of course, I love you”

“I love you too but what about dinner”

“I had dinner at the study group today”

“Oh okay sweetie” Eddie retired to his room.

A knock appeared on his window after a little bit, he rolled his eyes and went over to open it.

“What do you want Toizer”

“To say sorry”

“I hate apologies, anyways is that all”

“No what did he do to you?”

“Nothing” Eddie wanted to shower.

“That’s a lie, just tell me”

“He really didn’t harm me or do anything I didn’t want to”

“You wanted to fuck him” Richie was getting louder.

“Will you be quiet, and what do you mean” 

“I heard y’all I was worried and-

“I told you to leave me alone”

“EDDIE BEAR ARE YOU OK” Sonia yelled from the kitchen.

“YEAH I’M FINE MOMMY THIS MATH PROBLEM IS JUST A TAD HARD”

“ALRIGHT SUGAR KUNS LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED HELP”

“YEP, actually I’m pretty sure that’s why I was yelling at you at the park for”

“But Eds you were in Henry’s car I was worried”

“I don’t need a protector Richard, I’m not six anymore I can handle myself”

“It seems like you can handle-” Eddie shut the window got up and sat at his desk. Richie kept knocking, until he stopped.

Then the front door had a knock on it. “Richard what are you doing here”

“Mrs. K what a pleasure I was wondering if I could see Eddie for a little bit” 

“You haven’t been over here in forever what do want now” Richie caught on that Eddie hadn’t told his mom that they weren’t friends anymore.

“I miss the kid, and we have science project”

“Fine, an hour that’s it” Sonia let him in.

He walked to Eddie’s room, opening the door without knocking.

“Richie, really stoup that low you arsehole”

“Hi Eds how are you” Richie said closing the door. “So you wanted to fuck Patrick Hocksetter”

“Well no, we didn’t actually fuck and what does it have to do with you”

“Because it’s fucked Eds, it’s fucked that he had manipulated you into thinking it’s ok to do that in the woods alone after he’s beat the shit out of you for so long” 

“You weren’t there Richie it was different”

“Here’s the latest Eddie Kaspark wants to believe a son of bitch asshole has changed and actually cares about him” Richie mocks him in his auctioneer voice.

“Beep beep Richie” Eddie said angrily getting up walking past him. “I’m going to brush my teeth”

“I’ll join you” Richie offers.

“Stay here and sit on my bed”

Richie scoffed sitting on the bed, he first noticed the different bedding. Second the stacks of books lying in the corner instead of on the bookshelf, they were all books Richie had also read. Lastly the fabric under his pillow, it was the dress he picked his pillow to find it and a piece of paper. Curiosity getting to him he read it.

Hey Richie, Happy birthday or Merry Christmas I guess. You’re an idiot.  
I don’t why I’m writing this

“What are you doing, do you just go over to your other friends house and invade their personal space” Eddie ripped the paper up and threw it away. “You’ve only got 43 minutes left”

“Do you really believe that he cares about you”

“Do you really believe I’m going to answer some shitty questions from an asshole” Eddie sat next to him.

“I’ll take that as a yes” Richie continued to ask questions in which Eddie ignored most of them.

“15 minutes Richard” Sonia called.

“Shit Eddie I’m sorry this was stupid I should’ve respected you but here I am”

“I’m sorry, I'm sorry” Eddie mocked in a mocking tone “All you ever say yet you never change” 

“Eds it’s not that simple I can’t just oop I’m not a fucking cowardice asshole”

“Yeah well you’d think that 2 years is enough time to change a little” 

“Mommy can Richie spend the night” Eddie called from his door.

“Eddie bear-”

“Pretty please” Eddie was begging.

“I guess he’ll have to call Maggie and ask”

“Ok thank you mommy” he turned around “go call your mom”

“Hey mom can I stay at Eds’s place tonight”

“Yes Eds’s”

“I’ll come get it tomorrow”

“I know”

“Alright'' I love you bye”

Richie was sitting on Eddie’s bed as he showered, memories playing from being in this room.

“Richie put that away” he yelled at me as I held his inhaler.

“Richie when we get older you’ll marry me right” we were cuddled up on his bed as the moon shone through the window.

“Of course Eds” 

“What’re you doing here it’s like 3 am”

“I wanted to see you” ‘I’m in love with you, you idiot’ is what I meant to say that night.

“Have you been crying” Eddie always took care of me, even when he shouldn’t have.

“I’m back” Eddie announced, his hair in a towel swirl.

“Why did you invite me over” Richie still tasted the lecture from earlier.

“You help me sleep” Eddie whispered “Anyways let me grab you some pyjamas”

“I could just sleep in my boxers” he paused looking at the reaction he was given “and my shirt”

“Oh right yeah I guess” Eddie was in his usual shorts and sweaters.

Eddie turned on the lamp shutting off the actual light. He laid down on his bed.

“What’re you writing” Eddie questioned Richie.

“A love note to Stan” Richie joke but it still made Eddie jealous.

“Stan isn’t a fairy like you” Eddie was a little quick to reply with this.

“Hey come on now, there’s no need to say that” Richie was ashamed of it and Eddie knew this but Eddie doesn’t think about what he says.

Eddie didn’t apologize, he hated them. He grabbed Richie’s hand, the same ones that hit him before. “Come on lay down”

Richie was starting to hate Eddie, his manupulitve ways, his not knowing what he wants, his stupid hand holding, his ugly face, his mean ways, and the way he makes him feel. 

“Bevvy hey” Eddie smiled as she approached him. 

“Hey Eddie” Bev put out her cigarette “So your note was pretty vague what’s up”

“Well, uh don’t judge me but” he motioned her to come closer “I uh like to wear women’s clothing” he stepped back “and your the only girl I know so I thought you could help me choose some and it would be less weird for us to be shopping together instead of just me” 

“Of course I’ll help Eddie” she ruffled his hair then started walking into the store.

They looked around for a little bit, Eddie was beat red the entire time. “So what size is she” Bev asked looking at a denim jacket.

“Well um I’m I mean she’s a size medium but somethings are mediums”

Bev started to collect, skirts and shirts a few dresses she even grabbed a cute little bralette.

“You need to try these on” Bev whispered, Bev walked into the dressing room with all the clothes “Eddie you need to tell me if these look good on me” Eddie blushed and walked in with her.

Eddie sheepishly undressed, revealing the bad state his body was in. Bev looked away respectfully. He grabbed the bralette first confused how to put it on.

“Let me help” Bev put his arms through the holes and clipped it in the back. “It’s cute” she tried to be vague so anyone listening would think it was on her.

“Yeah I like it” he put on an ugly blouse with shoulder pads. They laughed at the look of him drowning in the purple shirt. He put on a denim skirt with a band tee or that’s what he assumed it was. 

“That’s hot” he tried on multiple other outfits from extreme shoulder pads to a dainty white dress. He had stolen money from his mom’s ‘secret stash’ it’s not like she would notice. Eddie was smiling and blushing. 

“You’re not gonna tell anyone about this are you” Eddie was now scared for his safety.

“Of course not this’ll be our thing, just put a note in my locker anytime” Bev smiled carrying the bag. 

“Thank you Bev, I know this is weird but” 

“You don’t need to explain Eddie I get it”

“Will you walk me home” Eddie didn’t want to be seen walking alone with that bag.

“Of course” So that walked and talked. Once they arrived he hugged Bev and took the bag. He threw it in his room through the window before opening the front door.

“Oh Eddie bear hi, mommy’s gonna go out tonight will you be ok”

“Yes of course, when will you be back” 

“Around 9 maybe later, I’ll try to come home as soon as possible,” she smiled grabbing her purse “I made some food for you, take care of yourself, don't leave the house”

“Alright mommy, call me when you leave I love you have fun” he was surprised anyone wanted to hang out with that bitch.

He walked to his room, excited to wear his outfits. He stripped himself of clothes, putting on his bralette which was hard to put on himself. He put on a mini skirt with a turtleneck sweater which was a little to big for him, but it looked nice tucked in. A knock on the window made him petrified and everything stopped his face drained of blood, and he froze.

“Eds” a muffled voice asked.

“Richie what are you doing here” he opened the window trying to not let him see what he was wearing.

“I wanted to see you, what are you wearing” Eddie started thinking of a million excuses and reasons to explain what he was wearing. “You’ve never worn a turtleneck in your life”

“I thought I’d try something new” his voice cracking under pressure “come through the front door my mom’s not home” he shut the window taking off the skirt replacing them with shorts and then hiding it all.

Richie opened the front door, finding the absences of Mrs. K quite strange. He dismissed his uncertainty and walked to Eddie’s room.

“Eddie Spaghetti, how have you been the last time I saw you was tuesday” Eddie looked frantic as he sat on the bed.

“I’m fine, feeling the same as usual” his heart was pounding, he was also visibly shaking.

“You look a little? I don’t know scared” Richie sat next to him touching their fingers.

“Me? No I’m fine” 

“Is someone else here did I walk into you banging someone” 

“WHAT NO god no one’s here.”

“Little suspicious if you ask me”

“I’m not banging anyone and no ones here idiot, gosh” Eddie laid back, Richie following suit, Richie looked at Eddie, catching a glimpse of something in the corner of his eye.

“Oh my god, what is this” Richie said excited to know what was in the bag, he picked it up.

“RICHIE GIVE ME THAT” he started to pull on the bag. Richie giggled and let go of the bag making Eddie fall back and make the clothes fall on him. Richie laughed as Eddie only got angier.

“Are these women’s clothes” Richie asked grabbing a piece of clothing, “Oh my god do you have a girlfriend”

“No, no fuck off don’t touch them” Eddie collected them all quickly. 

“Are they yours” Richie was connecting the dots, and realizing Eddie had no game and could never get a girlfriend.

“What no they’re not mine” Eddie didn’t sound confident in his words as all.

“I want to see them on you” Richie was being persistent.

“What no I’m not showing you them”

“Come on, I can give you a second opinion come on please” Richie begged.

“Fine but if you judge me in the slightest, I’m telling everyone your a fairy”

“Hey how is that a fair deal, I didn’t do anything that bad” Richie hated when he brought it up or used against him.

Eddie left to his closest. Shutting the door and putting the mini skirt back on. He came out showing him the outfit, Richie said he likes that one.

“Richie I need help” Eddie was stuck in his shirt it had gotten stuck on the badly clipped bra. 

“I’m coming” Richie opened the door to find him half naked with a shirt covering his face. “What did you do?”

“I uh don’t know just help me”

“I’m going to have to touch you to help you”

“I know idiot I can shower later” Eddie was struggling and couldn’t see anything.

Richie slid his hands up his shirt lifting it to see what it was stuck on. “You’re wearing a bra” Richie blushed thinking about him.

“Yes just help me” 

Richie pulled the strands out of the clips of the bra. After the shirt was successfully off he fixed the shitty strapping of it.

“This is the shittest slipped bra I’ve ever seen” Richie said clipping it up correcting it up.

Eddie was filled with jealousy and embarrassment, he’s seen girls’ bras before who was he kidding of course he did he wasn’t like Eddie he was actually liked by girls. “Well it was my first time doing it ok there’s not instructions” Eddie turned around to look him in the eyes.

All Richie could see was the lace bralette that was pink on a bruised and freckled torso. “Richie, Richard are you even listening to me” Eddie was getting irritated by the boy.

“Yeah what’s you say” Richie finally looked, face red from looking that long of course.

“Get out I have to show you more” 

Eddie put on a checkered skirt, with a black shirt that was a v-neck that also didn’t go on the shoulders Eddie didn’t know what it was but Bev liked it on him. Richie was still a blushing mess when he came back.

“What do girls do with their bra straps” Eddie pushed the strap around, as it looked weird just sitting there.

“I like this one you look really good in this one” 

Eddie put on a button up shirt with overalls that’s really a skirt. The other outfits were a white dress that reminded him of Marilin Monrooe, a band tee with some black denim shorts, and a colorful dress with a big belt in the middle, he felt like ms. frizzle from the magic school bus.

“What is that” Richie laughed at the dress.

“Bev made me get it, she said that it looked good I didn’t believe her but I still got it” Eddie pushed on the dresses frills that poked his neck.

“Oh god Bev giving you fashion advice is great” Richie was loving the dress, it made him look like an idiot.

“Shut up I’m changing now” he went to the closet and took off the dress, he put back on the first outfit and putting all of the clothes back in the bag.

“So you like, girl clothes” Richie said softly, laying on his bed with him.

“Yeah I know it’s weird” 

“It’s not that weird it looks good on you” their hands were interlocking.

“Hey I know I said I hate apologies but I think you deserve one” Eddie looked over to him, admiring the view “so I’m sorry for using your liking of boys against you, and really just being total jackass”

“This just in Eddie Kaspark apologizes to Richie ‘trashmouth’ Tozier for being a complete dick to him even if he deserved” Richie jokes, smiling he looks over to find Eddie already looking at him.

Their eyes locked and they cease to breathe yet both feel each other's breath on their faces, their noses were half an inch away from touching.

“I’m hungry” Eddie breaks the silence and sits up. 

“I can cook” Richie still star struck from him.

“I know but you always make so much, we have a pizza” Eddie compromised.

“What kind”

“Pepperoni” Eddie stood up, still holding Richie’s hand neglecting the need to let go.

“You’re spoiled” Richie smiled getting up as well. 

Richie’s eyes couldn’t stay on the TV, they kept trailing back to Eddie’s legs, and neck, and him really. He kept lecturing himself to stop doing that, and everything about Eddie was not meant for him.

“Pizza Is done” Eddie got up to go get it. 

“I can get it, you know how dangerous it is to grab things from the stove” Richie half mocked as Eddie rolled his eyes.

“I’m fine idiot”

“So how are you and Patrick” Richie smirked grabbing a piece of pizza.

“Beep Beep Richie, stop bringing him up god” Eddie bit into the pizza.

“Well last time we talked you were in love with him” Richie joked.

“I am not ok he’s an asshole who’s blackmailing me with you”

“Just let him say it I’ll still have you even if everyone else hates me”

“Richie he’ll just use me or Bill or Bev or he’ll just hurt me” Eddie was eating with his hand below his mouth because he didn’t want a stain on this shirt.

“We could kill him, think about it it’s like what 6 against one then we could feed his remains to Mike’s pigs”

“No idiot we are not killing him”

“So you do care about him”

“No gah stop talking about him” the phone rang.

“Hello”

“Oh hi mommy, oh you’re already on your way back, no I’m fine you can stay longer if you like, I’m fine mommy I promise, Alright call me when you really leave and I promise I’m fine, I love you goodbye”

“Ahh your mommy called”

“You can leave if here to make fun of me”

“I’ll stop” 

They finished off the pizza and sat on the couch. Eddie leaned on Richie while holding his hand.

“This is kinda gay” Richie whispered referring to how Eddie was sitting.

Eddie ignored him and laid the other way letting go of his hand. 

“Hey it was just a joke I thought we were enjoying it”

“Yeah you ruined it though”

Just like you ruin everything, you’re a piece of shit Richie. Beep Beep Richie you annoying piece of shit who can’t just enjoy anything and needs to make a joke.

“Sorry I know it wasn’t like that”

“It doesn’t matter”

The TV lit up Eddie’s face with a bunch of colors flashing on his pretty face. Some colors made his freckles pop, and some made his eyes pop. Richie stared watching his face stay the same uninterested face as the colors changed.

“Was Patrick your first kiss” Richie asked having no control over what he was saying.

“No, it was Bev”

“WHAT, you scored one with Bev sorry to say this Eds but I’m going to have to-”

“I asked her because I didn’t want Patrick to be my first, it wasn’t anything serious” 

“Did you like it” Richie quipped, but Eddie started to cry.

“No I fucking didn’t I liked Patrick’s kisses more” Eddie was disgusted by admitting this.

“Hey it’s ok” Richie started panicking not knowing what to do.

“It may be ok for you to like boys but it’s not for me” 

“There’s nothing wrong with liking boys, aight chap lassies or lads makes no difference” Richie tried his british accent.

“Yeah for you, your still you even if you like boys” Eddie took a deep breath wiping his endless tears “I’m the thing that people have been calling me for years bullying me and beating me up” he wiped his tears again “I shouldn’t like boys”

“Eds, that’s not true you’re still you no matter who you like. Those people are jackasses and don’t know what love is. You’re above them Eds fuck them and they’re accusing.”

“But it’s true Richie it’s all true, I do like boys and like girly things I am a girly boy and it’s all true every piece of it”

“That’s ok, Eddie it’s ok to be those things even if they told you otherwise” 

“I’m not like you Richie, I can’t handle another thing about myself like that” 

It was strange to think that Eddie was crying about being gay in a skirt and a gay kid. “Eddie calm down it’s ok you’re fine, liking boys doesn’t mean that you’re the worst thing in the world”

Eddie didn’t reply he just cried into Richie’s chest, after a few minutes he wiped his face and looked at Richie.

“Has anyone ever told you’re beautiful” Eddie’s heart hurt, he was probably dying.

“My mom, other than that no” 

“You are” Eddie hugged him. 

“You’re offly touchy today” Richie hugged back despite this voice in the back of his head telling him Eddie hated him.

“Lack of human contact can cause unneeded loneliness and lead to heart issues”

“Is that true”

“No idea” silence fell on them again. “Richie I know this may seem like a relationship or something but I need to go really slow, and I’m terrible with really everything, and I have random spurts where you can’t touch me I’m not very nice-”

“Getting a little ahead of yourself Eds, we’re not dating and even if we were those wouldn’t affect how I felt” 

“Oh right sorry, just worrying” the phone rang.

“Hello”

“Your on your way, 30 minutes, alright I love you see you soon” he hung up, “Ok thirty minutes”

He grabbed the food his mom made him from the fridge. “I need you to take this and throw it out somewhere” he handed it to Richie, grabbing the pizza cardboard he went to his room. He shoved it in the little garbage can in his room, while trying to also take off his skirt. 

“Slow down a bit Eddie, thirty minutes is a kinda long”

“I know but I have to hide all these clothes, if she even gets a glimpse of them she’ll think I have herpes, or something” Eddie was standing in his room naked yelling at Richie.

“Hey it’s not that hard to hide clothes” Richie tried to look everywhere but him, a harder task than before thought.

“I’m calm I am calm” Eddie set down his clothes. 

Eddie was clothed again and Richie was helping him put the clothes on clothing racks. They put the clothes on and then covered them with his normal clothes. Some looked weird but it was enough for his mom to be convinced.

“Uh Richie” Eddie started to look like strawberry as he sat in his closet.

“Yeah Eds”

“Can you nevermind, you’ll have to leave after she gets here because she’ll see you on your way back and jump to conclusions”

“Alright” 

Eddie grabbed his hand, the sense of security returned to him. This was something that wasn’t dubbed ‘gay’ to him he’s been hilding Richie’s hand since the 3rd grade. 

“EDDIE BEAR” Sonia called as soon as she got inside.

“Don’t leave yet” Eddie left the closet “Mommy, did you have fun”

Eddie didn’t get an answer, just kisses and tight hugs, he smelled alcohol and cigarette smoke. “Oh Eddie bear, when you fall in love and leave I’m going to cry”

“Mommy what are you talking about”

“The older you get, the sooner you’ll be leaving to go follow your dreams or something just like your father” she walked over to the fridge “you’re just like him you act like him and look like him, god you’re probably gonna end up a burn-out just like him”

“Uh mommy, I think you should head to bed”

“I think that you should go to bed sugar kuns”

“Of course mommy” he walked away cautiously.

“Eddie are you alright” Richie asked from the closet.

“Yeah, you can leave now she’s wasted” he opened the closet. 

“Oh alright”

“Bye, I’ll see you tomorrow hopefully” Richie walked towards the window.

“Bye Eds”

Eddie sat in his fourth hour, right before lunch, shaking his leg and hitting his pencil on the desk lightly. Patrick had told him to meet him in the bathrooms. The clock kept speeding up, trying to get him to his impending doom as soon as possible. 

“I’ll be back I have to go the restroom” Eddie got up from the lunch table.

“You think I’ll die if I eat something from there” Richie asked Bev pointing to Eddie’s lunch.

“What the fuck Richie”

“I bet I would get fucked up” Richie grabbed the lunch bag looking at the contents inside.

“Richie put that back”

“Look all I’m saying is he probably has a sense of immunity, I shouldn’t so I could get seriously fucked up”

“It’s meant to get you sick not make you high you idiot now put it back”

“You’re not even a little curious about what would happen” Richie grabbed the apple inside.

“No put it back you fucking asshole”

“What’re you doing Richie” Eddie stood behind him.

“Oh holy shit you scared me I was just looking at what your mommy packed you”

Eddie snatched it from him and sat down. Richie noticed something was off, he didn’t talk to Stan right away, he sat more scrunched not letting his hands touch the table or his feet going past the seat, and his eyes never seemed to leave his thighs for more than a few moments. He didn’t ask if something was wrong he just passed it over for being sick or how his mom was acting last night.

“Eddie you showed up”

“Yeah?” Eddie didn’t want to be here. He walked into the house waiting for Patrick to be ready.

“You look like a twink” Patrick said walking up some stairs, “come on”

Eddie followed, meekly walking up the stairs. Patrick was rummaging through his dresser when Eddie finally reached him. “What’re you doing”

“Making you look like less of a stuck up prick”

“I’ll look like an idiot anyways”

“Come on now no one will even say anything” Patrick held up a Metallica shirt. “This’ll fit you right”

“Maybe, but why even change me if your just setting me up for public humiliation” Eddie started putting the shirt on, his bralette showing for a second or so.

“I told you that’s not what this is about” He also gave him a bomber jacket.

“Oh right you’re gonna murder me then sacrifice me to an evil clown”

“NO GODDAMNIT I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU”

“Oh” Eddie was quite shocked that Patrick was being so emotional even if they weren’t all positive emotions. Patrick gave him some of his old jeans.

“Let’s go” Eddie trailed behind him.

Henry honked as they got outside. They sat in the back while Belch and Henry sat in front. Eddie was absolutely terrified of being in the same car as the three imbeciles, he concluded that if he somehow survived he would be mocked and ridiculed till the end of his days. Patrick locked pinkies with him as they drove.

“Come don’t be a pussy just drink it” Henry pressured him as he held a shot of Peach Schnapps. The taste was utterly horrifying and to add to that terrible taste was the burn along with it, he wanted to vomit on the spot but he was already buzzed and this was just part of the experience.

Soon he was taking another with Patrick who had a smile on his face. Eddie thought is suited him a lot better than the one he normally wore. 

“Eddie?” a voice asked as Eddie confused looked around. He had gone to the bathroom, needing to pee, and now he was trying to find his way back to Patrick. “Eddie what the fuck are you doing here”

“Richie? Oh god guess what you were so right alcohol ain’t that bad” Eddie slurred still not finding Richie’s face.

“How did you get here”

“Oh Patrick” Eddie went off to join him in taking more shots.

“Bev have you seen Eddie” Richie questioned holding a cup.

“Eddie noo he’s not here” she laughed.

Eddie was now holding onto Patrick’s arm falling asleep. “Eddie come wake up bud” Henry poked his face.

“I’m awake” he shot up looking around trying to recognize his surroundings. “You guys aren’t assholes right”

“Yeah of course” Patrick rubbed his hair. “Hit this” he said giving him a blunt.

Eddie grabbed it bringing it to his mouth then sucking in the smoke, he didn’t know what to do after this but he saw people smoke cigarettes and he assumed it would be similar so he inhaled. He started coughing immediately, his face was turning red and his lungs were on fire.

“Inhale slow take deep breaths” Patrick instructed taking the blunt from him. Eddie listened but it seemed to only burn worse, he suffered through and finally was able to calm down and breathe again. 

“Drink this” Henry handed him a shot glass, with two liqiuds inside. Eddie didn’t think twice before taking it and swallowing it.

“Patty cakes, dance with me” Eddie pulled on his hands trying to get him up, Henry was gonna make fun of him for the nickname.

“Eddie come on sit down you’re gonna get hurt”

“I wanna do something, I’m bored” he emphasized the last part making it more needy sounding.

“Alright come on” Patrick got up winking at Henry, bringing him to one of the bedrooms.

“Patty cakes are you gonna do naughty things with me” Eddie giggled as he whispered to Patrick. “Hey Richie”

“Eddie?” 

“Fuck off Fairy” Patrick contiued to pull Eddie.

“Patty cakes, doesn’t like Richie” Eddie drunkenly sat down, he was becoming a rock until further notice. “I’m not getting up till you two are nice to each other” Eddie started to tear up on the stairs.

“Eds don’t cry” Richie walked closer.

“Eddie it’s alright we’re friends yeah me and Tozier are friends”

“Yeah, Yeah”

“You guys are the best” he started to cry again “I love you guys, your my best friends” 

“Eds stop crying it’s ok”

“Eddie you're alright no need to cry”

“I’m fine, I'm fine, we should go to the pond I wanna go to the pond”

“Yeah we’ll go to the pond,” Richie said.

“Pond for sure let’s go”

The stopped and convinced Henry to get the keys to his car. Eddie sat in the back seat laughing at the two boys in the front. Once they arrived Eddie was freaking out because he saw a frog.

“Never thought I would go to the pond at 1 am with you two losers” Patrick said sitting next to Richie, watching Eddie try to catch any wildlife.

“Life has its ways” Richie was pulling out grass ignoring the urgent feeling of wanting to punch the kid next to him.

“Guys I might die” Eddie came back plopping himself in between the two. “I miss Stan, he’s the love of my life like not to be gay or anything but I could see me and Stan with a white picket fence and 2 children and an ugly beagle and a nice car with good jobs. That would be nice”

“Yeah Stan’s great” Richie agreed sobering up from the buzz he had.

“I know you liked him” Eddie laid down “How about you Patty Cakes where do you see yourself in 10 years”

“A stable job with a wife and a few plants”

“No kids” Eddie pouted.

“No I’ll be a shitty dad”

“Damn right you would be” Richie joked laying down too.

“Wanna fucking fight Tozier”

“No fighting” he grabbed both their hands “we should all just be one happy family”

“Yeah a happy family with a piece of shit”

“Fuck you Tozier”

“STOP IT guys this is supposed to be a fun time” 

Silence fell over them and Eddie stared at the sky, holding onto the two boys next to him like he would simply float away if he let go. “I’m gonna puke” Eddie said before getting up and puking a few inches away from them. 

“He should get home” Richie said standing up.

“Yeah, I have to get Henry and Belch soon”

“I feel like shit” Eddie was an emotional mess as they dragged him to the car, laughing and crying while calling out people’s names. Patrick dropped them off at Richie’s house before leaving and picking up his idiot friends.

“Richie I love you” Eddie practically yelled as he went into the house.

“Eddie be quiet people are sleeping”

“But Richie I love you” 

“Eds I love you too ok now be quiet”

“But Richie I’m hungry” Eddie was being as loud as possible, ignoring Richie’s wishes.

“I’ll make you a pb&j then will you go to bed”

“No I wanna hang out with you”

“Ok, ok just be quiet” 

Richie gave him a glass of water while he made the sand which, wanting Eddie to sober up.

“Richie? I thought you were with Beverly” Maggie came from the hallway half-asleep. 

“Oh mom, yeah um I decided to come home”

“Eddie? What are you wearing you look like a punk”

“Magge! Oh how I missed you” Eddie ran up and hugged her, “you’re way better than your son”

“Don’t mind him, he’s drunk maybe drugged I don’t know” Richie put the bread together.

“Why would you bring him to a party” Maggie pushed Eddie away, Eddie realized his sand which was done.

“I didn’t his fucking boyfriend did, well not his real boyfriend but that kid thinks he is and he’s an asshole” Richie explained.

“Patty cakes is nice” Eddie said between bites.

“He’s an abusive piece of shit and you need to go to bed”

“Alright well I’m going back to bed, there’s some medicine in the bathroom” Maggie disappeared into the dark hallaway again.

“You should be more like your mom” Eddie laid on the counter.

“You should get off the counter”

Eddie felt like he was spinning as he laid next to Richie. Closing his eyes made it worse. He had thrown up multiple times Richie there making sure he didn’t choke or something.

“Richie” he whispered, “I wanna make out”

“Eddie shut up and go to sleep”

“Richie come on” he drawled out his words.

“Eddie just sleep”

“Richie, please”

“Will you be quiet and go to sleep”

“Yes”

Richie rolled over and pecked his lips, rolling over again and covering his head with a pillow. 

“Richie” he whisper yelled.

“EDDIE SHUT UP”

Eddie flinched at the noise, feeling saddened about Richie’s reaction he started to cry.

Richie turned around to face him, “Eds I’m sorry” he started to wipe his tears.

“I just want a kiss, do you not like me”

“I like you, I just don’t want to kiss you”

“So you don’t like me”

“Eddie stop this ok the sun is gonna come up just go to sleep”

“But”

“No buts just go to fucking sleep”

Eddie woke up, not knowing where he is, or what happened last night. His head started to hurt when he sat up, he also felt nauseous.

“Eddie you woke up”

“What happened” 

“Patrick got you drunk” Richie handed him a glass of water with a tablet “take this”

“Yeah I remember hearing you then everything else is not there”

“Nothing really happened after, we went to the pond then came here and went to sleep”

“You could’ve left me with Patrick”

“So he could what fuck you then treat you like shit”

“No, Henry was there he wouldn’t do that”

“Didn’t look like it to me”

“Ok can we stop talking about him”

“You were all like I don’t want to go to bed, and you kept calling Patrick Patty Cakes” Richie said after a minute or two of silence.

“I was not” Eddie sat down at the table.

“You were, and you were fucking annoying never shutting u-”

“I don’t care anymore” silence returned and Eddie started dozing off.

“Breakfast” Richie placed a bowl of cereal down, joining him at the table.

“I need to go to Patrick’s”

“What why”

“To return his clothes” Eddie pointed to the unusual choice for him.

“Oh, he dressed you”

“No I came up with his myself asshole”

“I was kidding” they fell into silence once again “Got any new lady clothes”

“It’s barely been a week, I don’t have that kind of money and I can’t wear the ones I own anyways” 

“Yeah”

They ate the rest of their cereal in silence, Richie kept trying to make some noises. He kept bouncing his leg, tapping on the table, and clicking his spoon on his bowl. Eddie felt like shit, he wasn’t in the mood for anything and he just wanted to lay down and watch TV. 

“I need to go home” 

“I can walk you home”

“It’s fine, do you have any of my clothes”

“No” 

“Oh can I borrow yours then”

“Yeah of course” he ran up stairs, rummaging through his dresser trying, running back down stairs, “here you go there’s ibuprofen in the bathroom as well”

Eddie left without saying goodbye.

“I need my clothes” Eddie stood on Patrick’s door step.

“Oh shit yeah”

Eddie followed him upstairs once more. He took off his jacket and shirt, waiting for Patrick to hand him his shirt, which was in his hand.

“What are you wearing”

“Oh shit, um nothing” Eddie panicked covering his torso with his hands.

Patrick moved his hands, making Eddie feel completely vulnerable. He pushed Eddie to lay down, hands interlacing. After a makeout session the front door opened scaring both of them.

“Fuck hide, put a shirt on”

“PATRICK” his dad yelled.

“Yeah” Patrick stood in his doorway. 

“Why aren’t the dishes done”

“I had school work to do, I’ll do it tomorrow”

“YOU FUCKING BETTER”

Loud steps became quieter before stopping. Eddie looked up from laying underneath his bed. Patrick starting playing loud music.

“Here’s your shorts, and fanny pack” Eddie quickly changed, Patrick opened the window. “Jump”

“What I could break something”

“Please baby just jump” They kept eye contact for a few moments, Eddie nodded and climbed out the window. It seemed like it would be a soft landing, it was just grass no plants or electric workings. “Tuesday, Park 6” Eddie jumped.

He entered his home, greeting his mom. Then he continued to his room, lying on his bed with a pounding headache. 

“Richie you made it” his dad greeted.

“Went hello to you too” We walked into the house, spotting Henry, and his mom in the kitchen. Richie walked into the bedroom of him and Henry.

After a few hours of fake bonding with everyone Henry and Richie were sent to bed. 

“Faggot, want to do something” Henry looked down at him from the top bunk.

“No, I want to lay here in peace”

“Come on Fairy play a game with me” there was no begging in his voice, it sounded the same as always, like he was a douchebag.

“What do you want to play Henry”

“20 questions”

“What more do we want to know about each other”

“Fucking play it with me asshole”

“Fine, what’s your favorite letter”

“R, what’s to like about that little queer”

“Eddie?”

“Yes idiot”

“Why do you ask, got a crush on me” they used to be really close, before he went and told Patrick everything, Richie told Henry a lot of things that no one else knew.

“Eww no I don’t like boys”

“I don't know what's to like about him he’s just likeable” Richie thought about every answer he thought of before he thought about that one “Why do you want to know”

“Patrick’s like in love or something and I don’t want to hang out with that fag”

“Patrick?”

“No asshole Eddie, is Beverly Marsh good in bed”

“I’m a fag remember” 

“Come on i know you swing both ways”

“Do you like Patrick”

“WHAT THE FUCK no I’m not an abomination like you”

“Doesn’t sound that way to me”

“Fucked Eddie yet”

“What’s fucking wrong with you”

“Patrick said he’s going all the way next time”

“Still a virgin”

“What no of course not”

“Sounds like what a virgin would say”

“Like you aren’t”

“No I’m actually not with girls and boys asshole, last thing you jacked off to”

“A magazine, who have you fucked”

“Why would I tell you, so you can just tell everyone else my personal life”

“So you are a virgin”

“I don’t need validation from you now fuck off I’m tired”

“You’re an asshole”

“Yep an asshole that needs some fucking sleep so please shut the fuck up”

“I bet Eddie gets mad when you talk to him like that”

“I don’t talk to my friends like that” 

“I bet that makes it worse when you pop then” Henry smirks, putting a knife to his skin.

“Shut up Henry” Richie rolled over looking at their initials carved into the wall.

“Oh so I’m right that why you stopped coming for a while your little boy toy stop playing with you and you got all sad and couldn’t come home anymore. Gosh Went’s right your nothing but a crybaby”

“You never know when to stop do you Henry gosh just shut up already we both know you’re way worse than me”

“Richie you are the absolute worst, I don’t hurt my friends or let creeps touch them or my personal favorite manipulate people’s feelings” he pushed the knife into his leg smiling deeply as it slid across.

“You made me, you did those things not me I had no choice” Richie half yelled standing up from his bed. His eyes watched the blood start to come to the surface before they looked at Henery’s face that was also focused on the red liquid. “Henery?”

“Favorite color” Henry didn’t look away as he spoke.

“Henery what are you doing”

“Finishing the game, what’s your favorite color”

“Green, why are you bleeding”

“Because for a moment before the blood starts I can see the layers of skin and I know it’ll scar, what’s your favorite planet”

“Earth, does it hurt”

“No, I feel it but it doesn’t hurt. You know I used stay sober because you would come home and you would yell at me if I was high at home, I was so naive that you actually cared” Henery paused chuckling slightly “then I started getting drunk and high before you would come just to get any attention from you, so starved for someone and I was left with you god damn I should’ve shoved your face into the concrete”

“Are you ok”

“It’s not your turn, did you ever enjoy being near me”

“Of course your were my best friend, are you ok Henery”

“What does it matter Rich”

“Answer my question”

“I’m better than ever so glad we could clear that up” he grabbed the band-aids from the crack between his bed and the bed frame.

“Why did you do that”

“Why do you care”

“I don’t know, I care about you even if your an asshole”

“Of course, go to sleep” Henery rolled over.

Richie stepped onto the ladder bringing self to the bed and flopping onto the bed. “Go away” he ignored the boy and brought his arm around his chest.

“Why did you tell Patrick”

“Because I hated you I hated how you reacted to things and I knew he would do something radical that would affect you” He turned to look at his face.

“Why, what did I do to you”

“You did whatever I said, you beat up your best friend because of me you told me everything we were obsessed with each other and I couldn’t handle it I could handle how I felt” 

“What no I wasn’t obsessed with you I was scared of you. You would hurt me if I didn’t”

“You did it on your own free will don’t blame me”

“No”

“Prove it, kiss me right now”

Richie eyes widened, he didn’t think twice he rushed his face closer to his. Connecting their lips, familiar smells pushed their way into their nostrils making them realize the mistake.

“Free will”

“Richie I hate you”

“I hated you”

Henry and Eddie continue to say those words as they touch him, he tries to move but he’s tied to a chair. Eddie digs his nails into his skin his words feeling louder, while Henery brings his hands around his throat.

“Do you love me?”

“Did you care for me?” their words change.

Their words feel suffocating. Henery shoves his knife into his own leg. Eddie takes a handful of pills. His feels tears start falling down his face, he tried to tell them to stop that tell them he did love and care for them but nothing came out his voice wasn’t there.

“Richie wake up”

“How’d you sleep”

“Fine get out of my bed”

Richie, Bill and Eddie sat on a bench joking about the person who just tripped across the street. 

"We should go bug Mike" Bill suggested.

"Yeah that would be fun" Richie smiled.

"Oh uh actually I have to hang out with Patrick, sorry"

"What your hanging out with that piece of shit"

"Today, but it's a weekend the hell" Richie complained.

"Summertime has different rules"

"This is a normal occurrence now?"

"That's fucked doesn't your mom worry"

"No I normally say I'm going to Bill's or Ben's when it involves being past my curfew"

"I would be totally fine with that if just told me" Bill says flabbergasted.

"That's fucked weekends shouldn't be spent with him"

"Sorry Bill my mom trusts you so"

"It's fine, just surprised I guess"

"Speaking of which I should probably get to the library" Eddie stood up.

"We'll take you there"

With every step they all took Eddie felt himself collapse a little more. Eddie's innocence would be taken completely from him today and he just walked like cattle to the last place he would be the same. Of course neither of the boys by his side knew that was going to happen so they seemed to have no issue, but it also felt like they were some guards leading him to his final moments.

Sitting against the library walls they watched Richie continuously throw a die it landed on 4 most of the time. They started to get bored of Richie's die, Eddie grabbed three marbles from his fanny pack. He always kept them in there because it was good luck, at least he thought so. They fucked around with them for a bit, Eddie yelling at Richie and Bill sometimes each time they almost broke the marble or something else.

"Eddie!" Patrick yelled sitting in the window of a broken down buick.

"That's my queue" Eddie sighed getting up collecting his marbles, "I'll see you guys later" he waved walking over to the car. "Patrick you got a car?"

Richie watched their interaction from afar, and jealousy radiated off of him watching Eddie laugh as he gets in the car. That asshole could make Eddie laugh unlike him, in Eddie's eyes he was probably lower than that shit. 

"They act like a couple" Richie grunted.

"I hate that asshole" Bill barely stuttered.

"Acting like he's not an abusive piece of shit"

"Maybe he makes Eddie happy" Bill sheepishly stood up watching the car for a little longer "maybe"

"You got a girl that makes you happy Billy" Richie jumped to his feet leaning on Bill.

"Something of that sort, how about you"

"Stan of course" Richie joked, Bill tensed trying to act like he didn't get tensed he slaps his leg pretending a bug was there. "Nah I'm kidding Stan's to prissy for me, it's quite obvious"

"You need to find somebody else he's probably never going to be able to have a functioning relationship with anybody else" Bill stuttered trying to pace his steps with Richie's.

"Your ok with the whole ya know fruit shit" Richie bit his nail shuffling his feet a little.

"Yeah I don't care, love is love. Actually you know those pride parades they hold well more of riots"

"The point stuttering Bill"

"Well Maine has been holding them for a few years I just was wondering if we could go?"

"Aren't you straight?"

"Well I don't know do you want to go or not"

"Yeah, yeah we can go but if we die or get mugged I swear to god Bill"

"Alright, deal"

"When did you get your own car" Eddie questioned interlocking their fingers.

"It's my dad's old one"

Eddie was pushed onto the bed, Patrick holding just a little to tight on his wrists and their kiss gets more intense. Patrick's tongue was in his mouth a practice the two had come familiar with, his knee was in between Eddie's legs. 

Eddie tried to release his hands from Patrick's grip, moving his wrist back and forth caused him to tighten his grip most likely going to bruise later. Eddie pushed his tongue into Patrick's mouth, catching him off guard and making him loosen his grip. His hands ran up Patrick's shirt, which was soon discarded. Patrick was average weight, he didn't work out he had a little chub it showed in his abdomen, Eddie enjoyed the sight nevertheless. He started sprinkling kisses on the sight, sucking in some spots.

Patrick, impatient pulls Eddie's shirt too, a dash of guilt hit him as he saw the sight but he didn't really feel it because guilt is nothing compared to flat out horny. 

"Didn't we agree on the bra"

"Oh shit, sorry I couldn't find it"

"It's fine doesn't matter"

Eddie laid naked and soar cuddled up to Patrick's chest. Tears started to fall from his face, this was something he knew would happen, but now that it has happened, he felt like he was going to die. 

They all piled into the Denbrough van, Bill and Stan in the front, Ben and Bev in the middle, Richie Eddie and Mike in the back. Bill had just earned his licenses and his mom let him have the old van. 

"Never have I ever" Bev paused thinking about her options, "Not had a nicotine addiction" everyone put down a finger besides Bill and Richie.

"Bill what the fuck" Stan stated concerned.

"When Georgie passed away, I resorted to smoking but I've been clean for months now" Bill explained, stuttering as his fingers tapped to the quiet hum of the song. "Never have I ever kissed a guy" Bev and Richie put down their fingers.

"Who did you kiss Trashmouth"

"You might just be next Stanley" Richie did a little kissy face Stan rolled his eyes and looked away, "never have I ever not gone to a party" Ben Mike and Stan put down their fingers.

"Stan the man really Bill's never brought you along" Richie giggled proudly holding his last hand up.

"No my parents never fucking sleep, and Bill's an asshole when he's drunk"

"I am not I am a fun time"

"Eddie has been to one, Tozier what the fuck" Stan changed the subject.

"It wasn't me"

“It wasn’t actually," Eddie recalled Stan judging him.

"Why were you at a party or drinking for the matter"

"Um because" Eddie vaguely said before looking at Mike.

"Never have I ever been white" Mike joked, the rest smiling putting their fingers down.

"Never have I ever been a boy" Bev smiled poking Ben.

"Never have I ever got my driving licenses" Ben scooted around in his seat.

"Never have I ever gotten my penis clipped" Richie quipped.

"For the last time that's not what happens" Stan groaned.

"We're almost there idiots" Bill turned.

Eddie looked at his hands as they all joked, he was losing his innocence and the people around him. He could feel himself hang out with Patrick more, being more comfortable with him and less with his friends, he was turning down his own friends more and more to things he used to love to do. 

"Eds look" Richie's face was glowing when he looked up as he pointed to the ocean. Eddie smiled softly, staring at Richie while he marvels at the big blue mass. Stan smiled before turning to Bill.

"How you been Bill" Stan fiddled with the stuff in the cup holders.

"Been better, how you been"

"Lonely" 

"We've hung out almost every weekend lately"

"Yeah I know but it's a different kind of lonely"

"Need a girlfriend perhaps"

"Stop trying to set me up with your cousin, she's ugly and mean, and a brunette blegh"

"That's just your type Eddie" Richie half yelled.

"Didn't know you were my type Richard"

"I am not ugly"

"Debatable"

The car stopped and everyone climbed out of the car. They took off their shoes before reaching the sand of the beach Richie rubbed his feet against the sand creating the weird squeaky noise. Everyone got annoyed fairly quickly.

"Last to the water is Richie's left nut" Bev yelled running, they started running besides Ben, Mike and Eddie.

"Looks like we're Richie's left nut" Mike looked at the others playfully splashing as they arrived.

Eddie splashed Bill, then Stan splashed him back. Richie and Ben were trying to jump over the waves, they both failed most of the time. Mike and Bev were building sand castles. Bill and Stan started splashing each other leaving Eddie alone, so he went and helped make a sand castle.

He ended up with Stan while everyone else played in the water.

"Eddie I know you've been hanging out with Patrick" Stan leaned over to his ear.

"Sorry" 

"It's ok, just that you know we miss you and uhhm you know like the rumours that he's like fucking Henry Bowers and he's also a douchebag"

"Pfft like Henry Bowers would ever be able to own up to being gay gahhad that fucking loser would piss himself if a man ever looked him in the eyes" Eddie uncharacteristically laughed as he fell back into the sand.

"Yeah of course" Stan nervously giggled scratching the back of his neck.

"Gosh Patrick and Henry oh gosh imagine two pieces of shits together oh my" Eddie sat up "Anyways want to head back into the water”

"Oh yeah"

Eddie ended up on Bevs shoulders, Bill on Mike, Stan on Richie and Ben decided to sit out. He fell off first mostly because they were targeted right away. They watched Stan and Bill struggle to push each other off for a bit Mike decided he was bored and pushed Richie down.

"Last time we talked was right before Patrick came and picked you up from the library" Richie's stomach moved Eddie's head as he talked, Eddie and him were separated by a colorful beach towel.

"That wasn't even last week you baby" 

"Like 2 days alright, what you been up to"

"Nothing"

"Boring, I went and bird watched with Stan"

"Sounds just as boring"

"It was quite enjoyable"

"He just yells at you to be quiet and shows you a robin that you can't actually find"

"Really, he did shush me alot but it was still fun"

"You don't have to lie to me I know there boring, makes you wonder how Bill feels always going those things"

"I bet Bill enjoys it or just enjoys Stan's company"

"Yeah"

Richie let his hands play with the little strand of hair while Eddie looked at the sky. His hands swirled around the hair a few times they seemed to slowly become closer to his scalp and bigger chunks.

"Let's head home boys" Bev stood up wiping herself of sand.

They all followed her suite.

Bill looked at the gunk under his nails as Mike and Stan discussed the weather biking in front of him. The puddle from the rain of the night before splashed against his ankles the water seeped into his pores soaking in the moisture. His socks also soaked in the dirty water, leading down to his foot the water becoming annoying. Ignoring the drying water he splashed again into a puddle the water being a lot deeper than the last. Water dripping down his leg, he slapped at the water trying to make it disappear faster. Once he looked up Stan and Mike were no longer in front of him instead not in the picture. Increasing his pace to try and catch up to his now gone friends didn’t solve the problem either 

Eddie looked at himself in the mirror. What looked back didn’t look like him. They looked like skin draped over a skeleton, their eyes looked to small compared to how he remembered them and his face looked dead like a nightmare was looking back at him. He opened the medicine cabinet moving the reflection from his view putting his meds onto the shelves.

“Eddie Bear I have to go to work” Sonia said from the kitchen.

“Alright I love you see you when you get back”

“Be careful sweetie I love you too”

The door closed as well as the medicine cabinet showing the revolting image once again. He felt dead walking into the kitchen. He stared at the cereal waiting for his body to want it. 

Lying on his bed staring at the ceiling tears started to come out of his eyes. He wasn’t affected by the tears just fell onto his bed while he laid and waited for the ceiling to become something better than a simple white wall. The ceiling was never going to change he knew it wouldn’t but his mind would wait for something to be different and better. Ceilings are solid being unchanging unlike the outside of his window he never dared to look at. 

The outside was different every time you looked out of it. Eddie always closed the blinds not wanting that little of stability showing in his dead room.

A knock on the window appeared as he wiped his tears. He sighed going over to window.

“Go away Richie I don’t want to do anything today” Eddie groaned at the sunlight.

Richie pouted as looked at Eddie “Come on Eds we can go to the town over and I just got paid please Bev is gonna say no too”

“Richie I really don’t want to go today”

“Can I come in then”

“I don’t care”

Eddie flopped on the bed as he listened to Richie entering the house.

“Eds” Richie opened the door frowning at how miserable Eddie looked, “What’s wrong”

“I don’t know I’m just feeling like ugh it’s probably my meds”

“You get put on a new one”

“No they just give me side effects sometimes”

“Have you eaten today”

“No it’s only like 10 though” Eddie watched Richie sit on the end of his bed.

“It’s 1 right now, you haven’t eaten at all today” Eddie was shocked to know that time slipped through him so quickly.

“I’m not hungry”

“I’ll make you something you have to eat something”

“Alright” his voice didn’t seem excited in any way.

Eddie slowly ate peanut butter toast staring off to the wall. Richie bit his nails while shaking his leg. 

“You can go hang out with somebody, I know how to deal with myself” Eddie rubbed his nose.

“No I didn’t have anything else to do today and I enjoy your company, oh and I have to fuck your mom when she gets home” Eddie gave a small smile the toast in his hand shaking a little.

“You really don’t have to babysit me I really just get like this sometimes”

“I came over here to hang out with you” Eddie forget the conversation and zoned off looking at the wall again. “Eds are you ok your crying”

“Yeah it’s nothing I’ll be more here later I’m really out of it. I really do enjoy your help and everything but I just need to be alone you can come back tomorrow”

“You sure your going to be ok”

“Yeah of course” Richie stood up.

“Well I’ll come back tomorrow”

Eddie dropped his toast on his plate and stood up as well, hugging him. Eddie was taken back a little bit at how warm Richie was.

Eddie fell into his bed, falling into a safe place. He was surrounded by pink tulips as he stood up. The flowers swayed in the wind as he stared at the person walking away from him. Unlike the last time he was here he didn’t chase them he only watched them leave.

The tulips seemed to curve around the person being attracted to them, the flowers around Eddie looked away from him in disgust probably. He started walking towards the right the person becoming out of view.

“Eddie guess what your life is meaningless” a younger version of him pulled on his leg, “I can’t believe we end up as terrible as you”

This was a safe heaven before it got infested like the rest of his head, now it replicates quite the opposite. The little kid kept talking, being quite annoying as Eddie continued walking.

“Do you know the way out of here” Eddie asked the large frog, that ignored the question and just did the big throat thing and jumped away.

“Wow that’s your great plan I bet your friends do the same thing”

“Oh like you have any friends let me tell you Richie’s an asshole”

“That’s not what you really think and we all know it”

“Shut up already” He continued the trek to nowhere.

“Mrs. Ansen look at this” Richie joked as he showed the teacher his middle finger.

“Richie your going to get in trouble” younger Eddie panicked hitting him.

“That’s the plan Eds”

“What why would you want to do that”

“Because” the memory replayed, Eddie stared at the scene again that was placed in the middle of the tulips.

“Since when did this happen” Eddie asked the little kid on his leg.

“Maybe to show every time you fucked up”

“How did I fuck up there”

“Being alive”

“God shut up”

Eddie looked at the flowers he crushed behind him before looking at another memory.

“Eddie be quiet” Stan shushed him as he looked into binoculars.

“Stan loosen up those birds can’t hear me anyways” Eddie whispered pulling his sweater closer to him.

“Your going to scare them away”

“Sure now back to what I was saying I think we should eat less fish alright it’s gross and fishing like that had got to be bad for the fish”

“Yep”

“Can I just leave already” Eddie groaned walking onward.

“Maybe you should just ask for directions, oh wait you can’t because no one wants to listen to you”

“You listen to me how do I wake up”

“Fuck you”

His eyes met with the unchanged ceiling, the sun was starting to set and it sounded like his mom was home.

“Eds are you feeling better” Richie smiled through the window.

“Yeah I told you I was just off we can do what you wanted to yesterday. I have to get dressed though”

“Alright I’ll come in” Richie climbed through the window.

“You could’ve went through the door”

“This was faster”

Eddie rolled his eyes getting up and going to his closet looking at his collection. Grabbing a lilac sweater and some shorts. 

“Let’s go” Eddie said.

Eddie shut the window and they went on their way. Richie had borrowed his mom’s car for this, which they drove to the town over. 

“Did you eat anything after I left” Richie asked tapping the steering wheel.

“No I pretty much slept away the day and I had that dream again”

“The one with an old lady yelling at in a language you don’t know”

“No the pink tulips one”

“Oh yeah that one where you chased that guy”

“Yeah though I didn’t and younger me was there and the guy wasn’t running I don’t know it was weird”

“Maybe a change in your view to them could have made them walk”

“Yeah but I don’t even know who it was”

“Does that matter” 

“I guess not anyways did you hang out with Bev yesterday”

“No her dad was home and she couldn’t get out”

“How did you meet Bev anyway”

“School mostly but we became friends through parties and places we ended up being together at”

“I remember when Bev first started talking about you, Stan was not very pleased”

“I don’t think Stan is very pleased now either”

“Don’t be so down he just doesn’t like you”

“Oh wow so inspiring thank you”

“I’m kidding don’t be so hard on yourself he probably likes you a little bit”

“Sure, I remember hearing how Stan talked so much shit about me”

“You guys talked about us”

“Well yeah you guys were Bev’s friends”

“Yeah I guess”

They went to a restaurant.

“Ben told me about this place, I thought you would like it”

“I hope the food is good as well” Eddie rubbed his nose.

“Me to” Richie bit his thumb nail.

They got their food the anxiety washed over the two. After they watched a movie, Back to The Future 2. Richie overlapped their pinky fingers, his heart beat in his ears as he tried to concentrate on the movie. Eddie kissed his cheek before getting out of the car.

“How was your date” Henery asked as he sadly walked into their room.

“Fuck off” Richie’s cheeks still had a tint of red to them.

“So no, that sucks”

“You know what else sucks you’re a peice of shit who takes things to far and can’t have a healthy relationship and won’t accept he falls in love to easily and is a fucking idiot” Richie stared at the wall.

“Like you are any better than me asshole, you’re so god damn naive and a fucking mistake”

“At least people actually like me” Richie stood up and walked to the kitchen. “Mom I lied come back and get me”

Richie and Bill drove to Portland, Bill played the Beatles that Richie complained the entire time about it. They walked with other people that had talked to them.

"So how old are you two?" the girl asked, draped across the guy walking with them.

"We're 16," Richie answered.

"Are you two dating?" the guy asked, pulling out a cigarette.

"Yeah," Bill quickly said, Richie became confused but just went along.

"Can I have one?" Richie asked motioning to the cigarette. The guy nodded handing him one along with a lighter.

Richie felt safe with these three, like he could be himself. He hadn't felt this way since before he told Henry, Henry was a safety net back then someone who would always be there no matter how much he fucked up. Sometimes he entertains the idea that was the reason he sprinkled Eddie's skin with bruises, because he thinks he felt that he had to choose one or the other. He knew now he chose wrong.

He also felt guilt and doubt walking there, he didn't feel like he deserved to be there because he wasn't fully gay he didn't only like boys and peices of him made him feel insignificant.

Bill's hand grabbed Richie's. Richie knew this was wrong, his hands didn't feel soft and warm, they didn't reach him in the middle of the night, they were comforting even if it was wrong.

"So how about you two, what made you decide to come?" Richie asks, smiling.

"Well I'm trans and he didn't want me to go alone" she smiled, showing crooked teeth hiding her blue eyes.

They continued talking, Bill looked over to see homophobic assholes. He couldn't help but think his parents would be there instead next to him. He shook his head and looked back at Richie, how can he be so unafraid. 

The event ended and they started their trek back to the car. 

"This was fun Billy" Richie smiled softly, swinging their hands.

"Yeah thanks for coming with me" 

They got in the car, Beatles music playing as it turns on. Someway or another they ended up with their lips on each other's trying to meld together. Richie normally took things too far, this time he was too intimate. Bill pushed him away wiping his lips.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing" his stutter was thick, and he looked like he was about to cry "Sorry"

"It's fine Bill I was obviously enjoying it" Richie bit his fingernail. "I kissed back it's alright"

"Yeah but Eddie and Stan you know" Richie barely made out what he said from how bad his stutter was.

"Hey it's ok breathe it's ok. They don't matter right now just calm down ok" Richie held his hand in desperation for it to calm him down in any way.

"I didn't mean to, it's just being into guys didn't seem bad with you and and" 

"Bill it's not your fault, and it's ok to kiss people, you know that right" 

They went silent for a little bit, Richie rubbing his knuckles as he leaned his head on the steering wheel. 

"Stan's a better kisser than you" Bill smiled looking over at Richie.

"I seriously doubt that is true information"

"Sorry" he smiled looking at Richie's jaw move as he prepared to speak.

"Here it is folks stuttering Bill is apologizing again" Richie says in his announcer voice. "It's really ok"

Bill felt something in him realize he could fall in love with this boy, easily he probably knew this already but sitting in the car like this it is blatantly obvious. Maybe in a different life they would've fallen in love, cried on each other's arms, go to one another for comfort, and simply be in love but of course that was not this one they both had another.

"Eddie's lucky" Bill sat up, buckling himself.

"Could say the same for Stan"

"Oh? Maggie um where's Richie" Eddie stood shaking in front of her.

"He went out with a friend" Maggie smiled, that same sad smile Richie shows to him.

"Oh" his voice cracked "ok sorry for bothering you"

"It was nice seeing you Eddie"

He walked away shaking, heading to Bill's house.

"Eddie!" he heard his voice being called, his head shot up looking for the source.

"Bill! oh" his voice cracked as he saw Richie in the car too.

"Eds where are you going?" 

"Bill's" he walks closer to the car. 

"Eddie, are you ok?” Bill asked frantically.

"Oh yeah" his voice deprived of any emotion "where were you guys"

Richie and Bill both tried to think quickly of an answer. "We were hanging out," Richie said. "Why are you shaking”

"Patrick" he sounded disappointed like he just found out his lunch didn't have his favorite fruit.

They both exclaimed their concerns at the same time.

"Get in the car" Eddie obliged.

"What did that asshole do"

"It wasn't his fault I just was somewhere I shouldn't have been" Eddie's hands were still shaking and he felt like crying but nothing came out.

"Are you really fucking defending this asshole right now" Richie exclaimed.

"HE'S NOT A bad person I swear he's good, he's good I know it he's good he stopped hurting me he's nice" Eddie mumbles putting his face into his hands.

"EDDIE WAKE UP HE'S A PIECE OF SHIT. HE'S USING YOU AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE STUCK IN THIS BECAUSE OF SOME ASSHOLE"

"YOU'VE HURT ME ARE YOU BAD NOW. HE CARES ABOUT ME UNLIKE YOU" 

"BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF" Bill shouts. "Now will explain what you walked into, Richie will shut the fuck up"

"It's nothing he didn't mean to it's because of me he wouldn't do that" Eddie took a deep breath "It's my fault I didn't please him so he hurt my friend because I'm insufficient it's punishment" Eddie started to cry. 

"Eddie this isn't your fault" Bill comforted.

"YES IT IS" he covered his ears and brought his knees to his chest.

Bill pulled over and got in the back. "Eddie I know Patrick has been nice. I get it. Think of it this way, someone locks you in a freezing room but that same someone makes you a fire would you treat that person like a hero"

"No"

"So why would you treat someone who abused and practically raped you like they are a good person"

"I don't know" Eddie pauses and wipes his tears "sometimes I forget this isn't how it should be that he shouldn't have hit me, and how people have always hit me should this be any different. You get treated like shit for so long you forget that you shouldn't be treated like shit"

"Eddie you deserve so much more than him" Bill for a second thought about pitching Richie "hell most guys are better than him. You don't deserve him. Now can I hug you”

Eddie wraps his arms around him and he was shaking badly.

"It's not bad," Eddie reassured.

"Am I allowed to talk now" Richie paused for a second "Good, Eddie are those teeth marks on your side"

"No it's none of your fucking buisness"

Bill rubbed his own knees sighing at the two.

"I believe it is actually"

"Well you believed wrong so fuck off" Eddie stuck out his tongue.

"Debatable" 

Bill pulled away from the hug and rolled his eyes at Richie, Eddie pulled down his shirt.

"I know I've asked twice now but could you tell me what happened"

"Patrick was doing his half of the deal that’s all"

"If I start fucking Henry I bet he'll leave you alone" Richie proposed.

"What no you are not going anywhere near that douche" Eddie shot down the proposal.

"I mean he already flirts with me in his own fucked up way"

"No it's fine I can handle him I don't need your saving"

"It's not saving Eds it's helping different"

"Don't think it matters"

"I'm sorry Eddie I didn't mean to yell ok please stop being mean"

"Apology denied" Bill got in the front and started to drive again.

"Do you guys want to go home or we could go to McDonald's"

"McDonald's" they both answered.

"Am i interrupting something"

"What no?" Bill answered, his voice a little rushed and high pitched.

"You guys are acting weird, and why does Richie have a bag. Richie also has that I just got kissed voice are you two fucking" Eddie pressed.

"I for the last time do not have a 'I just got kissed voice' that's false advertisement"

"You do everytime you kiss somebody you get this voice. And being weird, you actually listening to Bill" Eddie paused for a breath "be honest are y'all fucking"

"No we aren't fucking" Bill sighed rubbing his eyebrows. 

"Yeah ok sounds so believable" Eddie tucked the shirt into his short shorts.

"How do you know I only get this voice when I kiss somebody"

Eddie looked over his eyes bored. "When you 'accidently' kissed Henry you got the voice, with that girl in 5th grade, and 8th grade, sometimes it happens when you talk about kissing someone. Oh and that day when you said I'm just her friend then came over the next day with a hickey"

"You kissed Henry?" 

"Yes well no I guess not like a real kiss"

"It was a kiss I assure you, yeah Richie's a whore" Eddie swung his head to give him a death stare.

"I am not, I am just good with the ladies" Eddie scoffed.

"And guys too and literally everybody who will even look at your face"

"We are here" Bill turned off the car "you two better be civil"

They sat in a booth, Richie and Bill opposite of Eddie.

"See y'all acting weird"

"I just want to see your beautiful face and Bill doesn't like you anymore" 

"Or alternatively y'all are cheating, you know if Stan finds out he’s gonna feel like shit" 

Richie scoffed and took a drink of his drink, putting his hand over Bill's. Bill blushed, grabbing his fries.

"Anyway I haven't been in the loop with you two how's your summer been"

"Good me and Stan have hung out a lot" 

"Good as it can get”

"You and Stan huh" Richie rested his head in his hand looking at Bill, ignoring Eddie.

"Yeah, bird watching and tennis mostly"

"So you guys don't do anything you like to do" Eddie questioned moving his head slowly towards Bill away from Richie.

"We go bowling and to arcades sometimes but those are more expensive"

They continued to talk as they ended up having no food and we're just left with drinks. Richie was blatantly flirting with Bill, making Eddie jealous as hell but denying he's jealous.

"I should probably get home" Eddie looked at his watch.

"You should come over, and call saying you're at Bill's. Of course your invited too Bill"

"That sounds fun," Bill smiled squeezing his hand.

"Yeah I'll come too only because I miss Maggie"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night"

They sat on the floor all in Richie's clothes. 

"Bill Stan told me your a dumbass and forgot when his birthday is"

"Oh yeah I did, only by a few days it was an accident" 

They fucked around a bit more, playing with shit laying in Richie's room.

"Alright fools, we have a bed on the floor and my bed"

"Dibs on floor" Eddie sat down on the blankets.

“Richie kiss me” Henery smiled, they were smoking together in an alleyway.

“I’m not doing what you say anymore” Henery flicked his pocket knife open, and Richie did it again their lips, their tongues, their hands. The taste of cigarettes was strong in both their mouths.

“Changed your mind pretty quickly”

“We’re not like that, our parents are dating this is weird”

“When did that matter”

“I thought you didn’t like boys”

“I thought you were ‘in love’ with the fucking fruit”

“Eddie? I’m not in love with anybody” Richie rolled his eyes taking a long drag of his cigarette.

“Tch, yeah cause you would do half the shit you do for him for me,” Henery was sour he was better than Eddie in every way so why would he care more about him.

“I would too, I barely do shit for him,” Richie pushed himself off the wall to prepare to defend himself, “you don’t do shit for me either”

“Can’t do shit for someone who isn’t there?” Henery got in his face also not going to be embaresed by some nerd.

“I’ve let you cheat off me so you can pass and you’re dad won’t be a jackass, I’ve stayed home so you have an excuse to not go home to your dad’s, I’ve spent countless hours trying make you feel alright, I’ve been your friend, and it’s never enough is it Henery you always want more can’t you just be grateful for what you have and not be a massive dick about it,” Richie used his hands to ad theatrics to his point.

“Yet you’ve thrown your whole life away for Eddie,” Richie was shocked at him using his name and opened his mouth to start but Henery was ahead of him, “You’ve given me up, your dad up, your future up, your dignity up, your everything for one guy and you want to say I’m unhealthy that I never get enough you fucking dipshit all you do is obess over some guy who has mental issues.”

“I have not I haven’t given you up we’re standing here right now.”

“Oh what about the last 5 years when you would ditch me again and again for this little twink, what about than what about the last 2 years you’ve ignored me and blamed it all on me what about that Rich are supposed to just bypass that?”

“Your an asshole you bullied him again and again, you made me beat him up you you”

“Exactly you blame everything on me grow some balls Rich I’m not satan you can say no.” Henery’s cigarette was underneath his foot smushed into the cement.

“I can’t say no you’ll threaten me or hurt me, you’re terrible even if you aren’t satan you act a lot like him and you-”

“If I’m so terrible than why do you hang out with me I’m not holding anything against you, do you really think I’d out you I’m-”

“YES and you would you would a million times over because you can’t hold a human emotion that isn’t resentment.”

“Oh so you think I’m the worst thing then just absolutly wrong for you like you’ve never done any of the shit I’ve done”

“I’VE NEVER THREATENED SOMEONE’S WELLBEING FOR ATTENTION you peice of shit what are you not getting is not getting through your thick skull that you threteaned the whole town hating me just because I liked Eddie more than you how crazy do you have to be.”

“Yeah well I’ve never walked back into someone’s life after physically and emotionally abusing them.”

“WHAT IS THIS THEN? This isn’t walking back into my life, after you hit me again and again after you manipulated me into believing you would hurt me if I ever did something you didn’t approve of?”

“You are walking back on me coming home after years of leaving before saying hello. You do the same shit as me maybe not threaten to out somebody but pratically the same you think you’re so much better than me but then you do the same shit I would or have you dipshit.”

“Oh so doing the same thing means being the same then by that means your a fucking faggot.”

“What you of all people are going to condemn me for that a fucking hyprocrite you just we’re saying how much better you are than me.”

“I’m not going to out you or threaten it why would you even think those are the same.”

“Are fucking stupid, you hating me is worse than anyone else hating me

Eddie stared at the picture of his friends on the beach. Mike smiled leaning onto Stan, who was looking annoyed at Richie, who was smiling without his glasses hand on Eddie’s shoulder, Eddie had a fakish smile that Ben was looking at, Bev had taken the picture but he remembered her red hair and her forced smiles. He took a black marker from his cup of utensils. 

He rubbed the marker against his face. Everyone else stayed as they were without him. The blackness stayed as he hung the picture up.

One day I'll take my last breath along with that breath comes my last thought. I used to think it would be family or the losers. Now that idea changes everyday from the color of the sky, the beautiful landmarks, your eyes, to how my hands looks against the light. Those mundane things that keep me going that make me smile a little. A lot of times I believe I'll jump and my thought before I hit the ground will be you reaching for me trying to save me, always saving me like you were made to do that. I could go on and on about my last thought, something so unplanned it could be anything unlike my last breath. My last will be an exhale just like everyone else's, may be harsh or soft but I know it'll be an exhale like my body is letting go of this hell. No matter how I go I know I will. This is something that happens to everyone, you and me. I hope we have the same afterlife. Oh look at me romanticizing my own death but it's nice to see things through tinted glasses, less harsh on the eyes. I hope your last thought is pleasant, maybe flowers you enjoy drawing so much or the rings you like something that will surely be a nice sight.

"Eds hey you coming to Stan's" Richie smiled through the window holding a sucker.

"Oh yeah I forgot" he got up from his desk, grabbing a sweater and leaving the room. "Mommy I'm going to Stan's"

"Ugh alright be careful home by 8"

"I will love you bye" Eddie quickly shut the door, scurrying to meet Richie.

"Nice socks" Richie remarked to his lace green socks.

"Thanks Stan shouldn't mind right? Oh anyways Patrick said you gave him a bloody nose, pretty cool I mean Bowers deserves it but a little twink like you god was it at your dad's? Oh and what's with the sucker?" Eddie rushed through all his questions.

"Excited I see Eds, Damn right I fucked Bowers up kept talking shit" Richie dug in his bag while they talked grabbing a sucker he handed to Eddie "here you go there to help me quit smoking"

"Your quitting oh that's wonderful that stuff is god awful for your health and my health since you won't leave me alone"

"Mmhmm"

"Bev asked if we could go shopping again which I thought would be fun but then again I don't know how to hide clothes and I feel guilty about even owning the ones I already do own"

"Come on Eds you should go there's nothing to feel guilty about"

"Yeah sure maybe" Eddie stuck his sucker in his mouth and rubbed his hand on his pants "Your collar is all fucked up let me fix it"

Richie stood still as Eddie fondled him with a collar, which he didn't have the guts to tell him it was on purpose it was messed up. 

"There all better you look wonderful" Eddie smiled patting his shoulder before they started walking. 

Richie wiped away the blush he felt growing on his face like a fungus, a fungus that liked Eddie it seemed. "Thanks" Eddie continued to blabber about random things, and Richie listened as Eddie never talked this much.

"Nice socks," Stan said after opening the door.

"Thank you" Eddie smiled stepping into the house, Richie not far behind getting a small glare from Stan.

Eddie sat down next to Bill’s sweater on Stan’s bed. Richie quietly followed Stan into the room. Richie scratched the back of his neck, nervous.

“I didn’t mean too,” Richie blurted.

“What’re you talking about Tozier?” Stan groaned.

“I left my shoes on, sorry I’ll go take them off” he nervously laughed walking away.

“What’s his deal”

“No idea, can I wear this” he picked up Bill’s sweater.

“No it’s not mine, I’ll find you something else” He got up taking the sweater. 

Richie bit his nails as they all talked, completely unfocused and unable to stay looking at one thing for more than a few seconds.

After two anxious hours Eddie and Richie decided to leave as Stan had plans with Mike that day.

“Are you mad” Richie bit his nail as they walked.

“About what” 

“The other day with Bill”

“No I’m not surprised either this thing is just something that comes with you” Eddie side eyed him.

“It wasn’t like that really”

“Richie I’m not an idiot, you guys were holding hands and slept together in a bed with no issues. I don’t know what else it could be”

“God Eddie I swear we made plans and he kissed me”

“Oh he kissed you really” Eddie interrupted.

“Yes ok and I don’t know I got scared of something real with you and I’m sorry” Richie pushed up his glasses.

“Well no need to be scared there is nothing anymore” Eddie politely smiled as he watched Richie panic sink further.

“No Eds come on I didn’t mean too ok please” Richie heard his voice crack making himself a deeper hole to wallow in. “Just give me a second chance please”

“Richie you can’t just do this to people and expect them to forgive you, we’re friends that’s all we’ve ever been”

“Eddie come on, I was panicking we had hung out like that and Henry has started projecting his feelings onto me and I don’t want to lose you Eds”

“You aren’t losing anything, we’re friends, maybe you can ruin Stan and Billie’s relationship too” Eddie made his step a little more preppy.

“Eds” Richie looked sadly at the unaffected boy, nervousness replaced with despair.

“Hi” a boy sat down on the couch next to Eddie.

“Hey” Eddie giggled, “can you hold this” he hands him his drink.

“Of course” he smiled, “I’m Micheal by the way”

“Eddie” put his hair up in a ponytail, then took back his drink.

Eddie listens to Micheal talk, his head spinning. He leaned his head against Micheal’s shoulder.

“Eddie?” Patrick came to the couch.

“Pattycakes” he smiled and looked at him.

“Richie’s here again, Henery said you should go with him”

“Yay, bye Micheal” he jumped up, following him.

“Surprised Henery let you take me” Eddie slurred walking with Richie.

“Yeah” Richie bit his nail.

“Are we going to your place or mine”

“Mine, your mom would kill you”

Henery stared at the drawing of him in his hand. He was smiling in the drawing, his hair had grown out at that time. His eyes focused on the little scribble at the bottom, Richie, his signature. The little chicken scratches, meant that he did care about him.

Though he knew this was the only drawing of him, while Eddie had so many more tons upon tons of his drawings. He crumbled the drawing in a state of jealousy, he threw it not wanting to see his own mistake any longer. 

He lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke out his window, the taste reminding him of Richie. 

“Richie” Eddie said as they laid in bed.

“Yes Eds”

“Patrick hurt Ben”

“What, when”

“That day with Bill, I intervened after a bit but I didn’t feel any better. He said it was my fault. God Richie, that week I tried to take my life I wrote notes I even took the pills but I guess I didn’t take enough because I woke up”

“Eddie why would you do that, you promised you would live to see me die”

“Everyone’s going to get hurt because of me”

“You can’t control what Patrick does, Eds”

“He would have no reason to hurt you guys if I was gone”

“He won’t have a reason to not hurt us, you dying wouldn’t help anything”

Eddie wrapped his body around Richie’s, tears swelling his eyes. Eddie was scared, terrified almost to be alone in his room tomorrow the idea of being trapped in that room again without any noise or feelings. His room was more of a prison but being set free was sometimes worse.

“Richie, will you be my real boyfriend?” Eddie whispered.

“Ask me when you’re sober Eds”

“Why can’t you just say yes”

“Because you're drunk, and reality can be whatever you want then. If you really wanted to be in a relationship with me you would ask when you're sober. Now go to sleep Eddie”

The next morning Richie was off to Eddie, a little more cautious, he didn’t bring up anything from the night before they mostly just sat in silence. Eddie left quite quickly like he had the time before.

“Eddie” a voice mockingly laughed as they said the name.

“Bowers?”

Henery grabbed him by the collar and brought him into a slit between two buildings. 

“What do you want?”

“Me? Nothing” he kneed him in the crotch.

“What the fuck” Eddie groaned, doubling over in pain. Ignoring the boy he grabs his hair and pulls it to make Eddie look at him.

“When did you get to ask questions in this situation” he took a cigarette, that wasn’t short enough to be smoked off of, and shoved it against his collar bone. Eddie yelled out in pain, not used to this treatment anymore.

Henery stood up, lighting the cigarette again, then kicked the boy into the concrete. Stepping on him and rubbing his foot into his back. Spitting on him then walking away.

Eddie stayed on the ground for a little bit, not knowing what to do now. After he did get up he still didn’t know where to go.

“Eddie?” hearing his name again he expected the worst. “Hey it’s me Micheal”

“Micheal, right from the party” he looked up at him, he was blonde with blue eyes, maybe he couldn’t really see him. His nose looked a little to long for his face, and his lips a little to small, and his eyes looked to far from his eyebrows to be placed right but he was still mildly attractive in retrospect.

“Are you ok, you look a little tassled” 

“Yeah I’m fine, just Henery”

“Weren’t you with him at the party”

“It’s complicated” Eddie wiped his face, sitting down on a bench near them. “Your not from here obviously”

“No I’m from Ohio”

“I would welcome you but I don’t think it’s polite to welcome people to hell” Micheal sat down next to him, bobbing his legs.

“It can’t be that bad, right?”

“It can be, how’d you end up here anyways”

“My Aunt wanted us to be near the ocean and my brother wants to go to college here”

“Oh sounds fun, how are you liking it”

“So far it’s pretty boring”

“I’ll show you around to prove it’s not that boring”

Eddie jumped up waiting for Micheal to get up. They went to the quarry Eddie started stripping, startling Micheal until he explained what they were doing.

“Ok so I know it be tempting but don’t curl into a ball that’s gonna hurt a lot, and it best to just pencil dive” 

“Are you abused” Micheal asked looking at his chest.

Eddie stood dumb found for a little bit, “it’s a long story”

They stood on top of the cliff, ready to jump. Eddie explained it’s completely safe, even if it’s scary. Micheal jumped, his heart racing as he plummeted down, it felt like forever before he hit the water. The water was quite a shock by the time he hit it, Eddie came down a little bit after.

“Richie” Eddie yelled as soon as he resurfaced, Micheal helped to somewhere he could touch.

“Who’s Richie?”

“A friend, I did this a lot with him and he just normally is down here before me instinct”

“Oh sorry I didn’t realize this was that kind of place”

“No! You’re fine, I didn’t mean to make it seem like that” Eddie floated on his back, “about the bruises there’s this guy who used to beat me up then things got weird and it’s not a big deal”

“Yeah sorry I brought it up”

“What’s Ohio like”

“Boring, lots of bugs, farmland is there too just plain I guess”

“Got any friends there”

“Oh yeah, Jessie, Lee, and Hannah.”

“What are they like”

“Jessie’s a dumbass, that worries too much than acts like he didn’t worry at all. Lee is really spontaneous and can’t plan anything for the life of him. Hannah, oh Hannah she’s amazing she’s always up to no good and brings that zang into everybody's life”

“They sound cool, is Hannah your girlfriend” Eddie teased.

“Oh god no, she’s with Dave and just between you and me she’s kind of ugly” Eddie pushed him.

“Come on I doubt she’s that bad”

“Mm I have to disagree”

“Well I would have to see her to know if you’re telling the truth but until thenI can’t believe she’s too bad”

They sat on the shore, throwing rocks into the water. They went up to the top again, Eddie smiled up at the sun. “Want to get Ice cream, my friend works there and gives it to us”

“Who’s this lovely guy” Richie smiled handing Eddie his classic order.

“This is Micheal he’s new here” Micheal akwardly waved, “This is Richie”

They shook hands. “Oh and what kind of ice cream would you like”

“Uh superman” Eddie gave a face of disgust at this.

“You guys go swimming” 

“Yeah, I thought it would be fun to show him”

“Surprised you could swim without me” Richie handed Micheal his cone.

“I am fully capable of swimming on my own” they smiled at each other.

Micheal and Eddie sat at a table outside, “Is he your boyfriend”

“What no me and Richie are just friends”

Richie came and sat with them, “So Micheal, where you are from”

“Ohio”

“When did you move here”

“A few weeks ago”

“Who all have you talked to”

“Eddie, this Sophie girl, I think his name was like Tyler maybe and you now”

“You single”

“Richie! Leave him alone” Eddie pushed him away.

“I’m playing Eds-Eddie” Richie bit his nail “and there’s a customer bye guys”

“See you” Eddie smiled looking back at Micheal “Sorry about him, anyways I need to head home sorry to part with you so soon” Eddie stood up licking his ice cream, “I’ll see you around”

“Oh alright I’ll see you later then” Micheal waved him goodbye as he Eddie walked away.

Eddie watched his hair fall down to his legs as hand print shapes started to burn. He was strapped to a chair watching his hair dwindle near his feet. He looked around the room, it looked like it went on for miles all white. Patrick popped up in front of him, shoving his hands into his stomach.

He threw up from the action as Patrick ripped his hand out of his stomach pulling all of his organs with. A Doctor appeared and he shoved pills down his throat smiling as he watched his work. Eddie looked at their feet his hair becoming bugs crawling on him. He tried to escape, screaming was nothing as he violently shook in the chair. He looked in front of him and Richie starred in front of him. 

Eddie woke up to a tapping on his window, looking at the time it was 2:47 a.m. 

“Hello” he wiped his eyes and his face trying to wake himself a little.

“Eddie hi”

“Richie? What’re you doing here I thought we were over. God actually it’s like three a.m. what the fuck”

“I couldn’t sleep and we did this as friends too” Richie was fully dressed standing outside the window.

“Just come through window god” Eddie went and sat on his bed squinting at the room.

Richie sat next to him, biting his nails. “I wanted to talk to you”

“Richie you could come over like tomorrow or something god I’m exhausted” Eddie groaned, secretly relieved he woke him this time.

“No you know they think we won’t make it 2020 I’ll be like 50 and that’ll kind of suck”

“You came over here to talk to me about the end of the fucking world really” Eddie rubbed his head.

“No I wanted to make things right I’m not going to make it to 30 for sure and that’s not that long. So I prepared a speech that I didn’t bring because I didn’t actually prepare sorry. Anyways I wanted to say that one time i came into room at this time before I wanted to do this but got scared which might happen right now”

“Rich just get to the point”

“The other day when you came over drunk you asked me to be your boyfriend I said ask me when you're sober we both know that’s not going to happen and it got me thinking of every time before I could’ve asked you and in that situation would you say yes. Mostly it was no, but I wanted to say I’m in love with you that night but that’s not the point I really didn’t mean to turn Bill into this kind of like person I cheated on and I really am sorry about that. I would really like to be your boyfriend but I got to thinking how not ok we would be at a relationship like how I don’t have much self-control or how anytime I open up about things I’m never serious, and how bad I am at actually being in a relationship. I also thought about how you are so emotionally unstable I feel like maybe I am taking advantage of you and how Patrick is in the picture. All these things consider I just don’t think we would work but neither does my TV but I still turn it on”

“Richie what, you are rambling”

“I want to be your more than a friend but not boyfriend, and that I also am completely in love with you”

“You really couldn’t of done this at any other time literally, god Richie you have horrible timing”

“No now answer me”

“God I don’t know I guess fucking hell Richie come in room and what confess your love for me jesus”

“Goddamnit Eddie yes I did ok I’m fucking shaking”

“I think your pretty cool too” Eddie smiled a little still upset about being awake.

Richie laid back on the bed, “this was stupid I’m sorry”

“It’s fine I just don’t want to be woken up”

“I was at my dad’s and Henery was being fucking annoying I didn’t want to go home either sorry for coming here”

“Why are you apologizing I don’t care” Eddie rubbed his nose, “Sorry for being such an asshole about Bill, you know I was hurt I guess and didn’t care why you did that. I’m still mad a little”

“God I am really sorry about that, I don’t really have much to say about it anymore”

“Um god I well Patrick is beating Ben up again and god we took it all the way” Eddie looked back.

“What why didn’t you tell me, god when are you ok” 

“The other day when I left with Patrick after we hung out with Bill, god I’m sorry” 

Richie sat up, “Eds come on don’t apologize” 

“Fuck I need to go to bed” Eddie rubbed his face.

“I’ll leave now” Richie stood up.

“Alright bye, goodnight”

“Night”

Patrick wrapped his hands around Eddie’s throat, a cigarette in his mouth.

“Funny thing is, I treated you fucking suberb compared to what I could’ve god now. Now you’re a fucking skank for those friends of yours” He paused gripping tighter “You get it one now you can’t get enough or something you fucking gay whore”

Eddie scratched at his hands. “Stop” he mouthed gaping trying to get air after.

“Fucking Faggot” He let go, Eddie fell to his knees breathing heavily as he rubbed his throat. Patrick kneeled down, touching his face and moving it to look at him. “God you’re too pretty” Patrick smiled rubbing his hand against Eddie’s cheek that he rubbed into a little. “Too bad you’re a fucking peice of shit” He gripped his jaw shoving it into the brick wall. Eddie curled into a ball on the floor. “Sweetheart what’s wrong” he rubbed his side softly. “You have to pay for what you do now, no more free passes sweetie pie” Patrick stood up watching Eddie for a little bit, flicking his cigarette near him. “Get up fucking idiot” Eddie shuffled not getting up. 

“I said get the fuck up” Patrick ripped him from the floor. “Maybe treating you like a slut is what you want” Patrick unzipped his pants, grabbing Eddie’s hair and shoving his face down. 

“Patrick” Eddie’s voice cracked as he pleaded looking up at him. Patrick cupped his face, softening his complexion.

“Eddie we have a deal” he smiled, his hand making it up to his hair once again jerking it to his hard penis. Eddie did as told, after Patrick finished Eddie spit and wiped his face. “Sweetheart don’t look so glum” he tilted his face to look at him, Eddie looked him in the eye. “Such a pretty face” he rubbed a cigarette on his cheek while he spoke.

“Ow fuck Patrick” Eddie shot back and rubbed his face quickly.

“Ugh you’re voice is so pretty too god you’re so perfect aren’t Eddie” He grabbed his collar shoving him against the wall. “You suck off the stuttering kid like you suck me off” he dropped him. “I bet he loves it when you say his name during sex” Patrick pushed a little peice of Eddie’s hair out of his face. “The glasses kid must get a kick out of how you look bobbing on his dick” he cupped his face. “Just loves when you put your hands anywhere near him, his heart just beats so loud when you look at him excited for the next time he can take you home and do all of it again.”

“Oh and that curly-haired fag must be your next one just pratically begging to get in his pants you little slut” Patrick’s hand slid down his neck rubbing the forming bruise. “God does any of your other peice of shit friends know how you fuck me every week do they know how you moan my name, or even how when you come over you dress so fucking slutty god how would they react knowing they have a slutty whore as a friend” Patrick ran his fingers down his torso letting him fall before reaching to low. “What can’t even defend yourself from me, god a shitty coward too I bet they love seeing you too” Patrick punched him in the chest. “Come on Eddie defend yourself” He punched across the face. “Come on Eddie you fucking coward defend yourself” Eddie shoved him slightly. “Fucking hell Eddie that’s all you can do” 

“Stop please” Eddie covered his face trying to defend himself a little.

“God fuck you, my house thursday”

“What about tuesday”

“I don’t want to fucking see you on tuesday” Patrick spit next to him before leaving, lighting a cigarette in his exit.

He dialed the Tozier’s number, regretting it as the phone rang scared what would happen if the ringing would stop. He shouldn’t call Richie, Richie is the reason he was in this mess.

“Hello”

“Hi Maggie is uh Richie there”

“RICHIE PHONE, he’ll be here in a second dear”

“Alright thank you”

“Hello” Richie’s voice rang through the phone.

“Hey um can you come over like now maybe and uh just come in through the window, I mean of course you don’t have to come”

“Yeah of course I’ll come Eddie” he stretched his name out not knowing if that was right.

“Thank you I’ll see you” he hung up before getting a response, leaning against the wall for a moment.

He brushed teeth his vigorously looking at himself in the mirror as he did. The mirror looked in his eyes and knew he was dead already.

“Eddie what did you want” Richie rubbed his head, looking at the boy on the bed.

“A hug then but now I don’t know” Eddie didn’t look at him he brought the blankets over his head.

“Eds what happened” He sat on the bed place his hand on him, Eddie flinched at the touch.

“Patrick but I really just wanted you here” 

“Can I see you” He nudged at the blanket.

“Don’t be mad” Eddie pulled the blanket off of him, sitting up as well. 

Richie looked at the burn mark on his cheek, and the bruises on his neck, and was shaken up between anger, despair, shock and fear. “Oh god Eddie are you ok” 

Eddie followed a chain down into his shirt, he grabbed it out and realized it was that god forbid ring he got him for his 14th birthday. “My ring from the box god you actually looked at that stuff”

“Well yeah I liked the book too great choice on my end”

“Oh yeah just take the credit like I didn’t ask for it, so that means you read all those shitty notes too fuck man why didn’t you just like burn it”

“Hey come on they weren’t that bad most of it wasn’t anything serious and really just you yelling at me”

“I have another box” He leaned off the bed holding himself steady with one hand grabbing the box with another. He threw it on the bed and reached for Richie to pull him up. “It’s everything you’ve given me” He peeled the top off.

“Hey isn’t that my shoe” Richie pulled out a medium shoe.

“Yeah I don’t you were a weirdo” Eddie pulled out a green rock. “This was the rock from I think delaware the only thing you brought back cheapskate”

“Hey that was a special rock alright and my family is poor and was back then you’re lucky you got anything” Richie set down the shoe looking into the box again, grabbing a piece of paper. “Ick why do you this still it’s so shitty” he looked at the painting of a tree that was poorly painted and had a plain yellow background.

“Because I’m a fucking horder it seems” He grabbed a box, opening it revealed a music box with a ballerina. “Jesus I don’t even know if you gave this to me”

“Me either” he looked at the paper in his hand a shitty not that couldn’t have been written when he was any older than 8. “Eddie will you marry me, we will become rich off of insurance fraud yes or no” Richie chuckled setting the note.

“I never replied like the fuck” Eddie picked up the paper chuckling at the lack of response.

“God do you still have that wedding ring” Richie started digging through the box Eddie joining him.

“Found it” Eddie smiled at the little ring that was starting to fade of the gold color.

“God how could you not reply back fucking rude” 

“It would’ve been a no I wouldn’t have married you for insurance fraud god what was wrong with you”

“I think I had watched a show where they did that I don’t know”

“Hey it fits my pinkie” Eddie wiggled his finger smiling.

“God have you not grown since we were 8 jesus I was asking to marry you like a few weeks after becoming friends with you” Richie shook his head sifting through the box.

Eddie looked through the box as well enjoying the memories of all the stupid shit he still had. Richie tried to keep his mind off the concerning marks on Eddie.

“Hey look another note, Eddie, sorry about beating you up Henery is a jackass I am really sorry please understand and then you had the audacity to put a fucking smily face at the end”

“Hey I was really trying with that note and I had always signed my notes with smiley faces”

“Mmhmm sure” Eddie threw the paper behind him. “Hey that reminds me of note I wrote” He stood up a little to abrutly and had to stand still for a few seconds, after he walked to the small waste basket int the corner of his room grabbing 2 peices of paper. “I ripped it but it should mostly be legible” he smiled, softly sitting on the bed and handing the papers to him.

Hey Richie, Happy birthday or Merry Christmas I guess. You’re an idiot.  
I don’t why I’m writing this, maybe to prove to myself I can be civil with a shit human being. Bev’s been hanging out with you as of late and maybe it’s stupid to feel this way, after all you are one of the shitiest people I’ve ever met, but it makes me a little jealous. Obviously you’re not treating her like you treated me, you guys are mostly drinking buddie. Even with that in mind there’s this part of me, deep deep DEEP down that feels terrible and hatred towards her because she gets you now. Gets to see all your good sides and I’m left with all your bad sides how mean is that. I’ve spent so much time with you and yet I’ve had all those memories tainted because of how you act, How could you be so fucking selfish. Anyways back on track, I gave you a knife did you notice well anyways that’s because you’re a little bitch and need to stand up for yourself and that’s coming from me. I still think it’s stupid I think of you when I go out shopping like do you have to be everywhere all the goddamn time jesus christ. Maybe it’s dumb but you must think about me too, you called me a few times in a drunken stuber of course but you still called.

Fuck you, Eddie

Richie looked up again, meeting Eddie’s eyes that had been focused on him while he read. Richie’s eyes teared up “This is nicest stuff you’ve ever said to me” Eddie lightly slapped his arm.

“It is not

They joked about the rest of idiotic items Richie had given him for a bit more.

“Eddie what happened today” Richie spoiled the mood as Eddie put the box under his bed.

“Patrick beat me up, it’s his part of the deal”

“Your cheek?” Richie grabbed Eddie’s hand that was sitting in his lap.

“A cigarette but it’s fine it should heal soon” 

“God Eds are you ok”

“Yeah I broke the rules everything should heal fine no scars hopefully”

“Is there anything else”

“No well maybe some bruises but no other injuries that bad”

“Eddie will you stop pretending everything is ok” Eddie looked up at Richie to show tears.

“It is fine” he smiled wiping the tears.

“Knock it off you can’t just turn off reality whenever you want god stop acting like that” Richie held his shoulders.

“It’ll be alright though so it is ok Richie”

“You sound suicidal” their eyes locked for a moment, “Eddie come on you’re not actually you don’t want to die right, right Eddie?”

“Maybe it’ll be better” Eddie smiled, as Richie’s concern rose more.

“You don’t believe that come Eddie wake up, death isn’t an answer Eddie come on stop acting like that”

“Richie don’t get so worked up”

“I’m not worked up fuck” Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand.

Richie brought Eddie into a hug and leaned on his shoulder, they stayed like that for around thirty minutes.

“He said none of you would like me because I’ve become such a slut”

“What why would he say that”

“Because I have, god I’ve slept with him at least 6 times and I’m chasing after you like this” Eddie noticed a wet spot on Richie’s shirt from the few tears that spilled over.

“Come on that doesn’t make you a slut and even if you were a slut would that change anything”

“Richie you don’t get it you are practically already a man whore and that doesn’t change anything for you but god I don’t want another bad connotation to me”

“Hey don’t be mean I prefer I sleep with multiple people stop being a pussy but man whore can do I guess, and Patrick is out of school now probably going into the military soon he can’t tell anybody”

“Why can’t I just die” Eddie rubbed his face into Richie’s shoulder.

“Because you have friends that love you and would fall apart without you, and you still have a life to live”

“Everyone has somebody, yeah they would be sad but would it affect them that bad. I barely hang out with them as it is. Hell when I do I barely make myself known I could just disappear”

“What about me who will I have, all these together gone in what a day”

“You have Bev and Henery even if he isn’t the best and the losers could use you, you can trust them you know”

“Dying is illegal you aren’t allowed, come on think about it you’ll never see Stan talk about his birds, or Bev smoke and tell her not to, or even Mike when he talks about those stupid animals, and Ben’s books, and my stupid jokes imagine not hearing another one of my jokes”

“Is it really worth it is seeing you guys the bane of my existence now” Eddie felt Richie squeeze him.

“Is it that bad to want to live for your friends”

“Yes, ok imagine your life being so shitty the only thing you can live for is your friends”

“I can I got to a point where I had no one you think the last two years of my life have been spectacular I have a nicotine addiction and I fucking drink all the time, god I just wanted to drink away my problems. If I hadn’t met Bev I would probably be a cross in the ditch believe me I know life can be miserable but please I don’t want you to die so soon”

“Rich I’m sorry I left you like that”

“I didn’t deal with it right ok, but you can live through this Eddie come on don’t give up so soon”

“God I’m still sorry”

Richie pulled back from the hug looking at Eddie. “Eddie who’s that in the photo”

Eddie looked back at the photo, “Me?”

“What come on why would you cover your pretty face” Eddie flinched at the words.

“Sorry”

Bill looked at Stan while he got a terrible score on a stupid game. 

“Can we talk. In private”

“Yeah” Stan fiddled his finger.

They walked around for a bit in silence.

“We’ve been at this whole ‘dating’ thing I guess for like 3 months and we’ve kissed like once. Like I understand the whole guy thing is hard to get used to but I need some kind of affection”

“I’m sorry I’ll try harder. I don’t really know how to do this whole relationship thing”

“And I do understand that but I don’t know if I can do this”

“No I’ll be more affectionate I’ll try harder”

“I guess we can try but I don’t know”

A week or so later later Stan was sitting atop Bill trying to unbutton his shirt.

“What’re you doing Stan” Bill asked dryly.

“Isn’t this what you wanted” Bill sat up moving Stan off to the side.

“I think we should just be friends Stan I can’t do this anymore”

“I’m sorry I just don’t know what you want from me”

“It’s not your fault I’m sorry” he swung his feet off the bed. “We just need to break it off we’re better friends” his stutter was bad and Stan was sitting watching his finger turn red as he pinched and squeezed it over and over again.

“Alright I’m sorry”

“I should go” he stood up buttoning his shirt, “I’ll see you Stan”

Bill went to Richie’s house, not really knowing who to tell otherwise. Maggie said he wasn’t home and sent him on his way. He didn’t want to go home either, his parents would ask why he left Stan’s house early. He walked around aimlessly for a while.

“Bill?”

“Oh Eddie hey”

“Well I got to go sorry for bugging you”

“Wait actually do you know where Richie is?”

“Thursday afternoon he should be home, or at Bev’s her dad works every Thursday night”

“Where are you going then”

“Patrick’s every thursday, tuesday and every other Saturday” Eddie explained looking at his watch.

“God you can’t go what’s one day going to do”

“Bill I really can’t skip”

“I’m not letting you go”

“Bill this isn’t going to help I’m going” Eddie started walking in the way he was before.

“Come on hang out with me”

“Fine but I’m not staying long”

“So to Bev’s then”

“I guess”

They walked in silence to Bev’s house. Bev smiled, as she let them.

“Eddie? What a lovely surprise” Richie gave a fake smile.

“I’m not staying long, actually I should get going right now”

“Come please” Bill looked behind him with pleading eyes, hoping it would work.

“No, have fun I’ll see you guys around”

“Where’s Eddie off to”

“Patrick’s” Bill answered Bev, sitting next to Richie.

Bill got lost in the room, their voices disappeared as he watched dust float around. He suddenly noticed that his heart felt like it was shaking, his bones felt too heavy to keep sitting up, and an unnerving stiffness struck him. Looking around him he felt like he was watching a movie. Slow and fast at the same time, his body was adjusting to something he couldn’t underdtand what.

He felt Richie’s hand slide past him, grabbing a jacket out of Bev’s hands. Bill wiped his forehead, realizing how hot it is he started waving himself as well. Lost in the heat and the pain in his chest he didn’t notice Richie talking to him.

“Bill, hey you alright bud”

“Oh yeah, yeah I’m fine it’s just really hot today”

“You’re wearing a sweater” Bev pointed out.

“Fuck, it’s Stan’s. Nevermind anyways can I have a glass of water” Bill’s throat felt so dry it was as if sand had came and settled in the lungs blowing into his throat burning his throat.

“Oh yeah of course” Bev smiled and headed to the kitchen.

“Yo what was that about” Richie nudged his arm.

A sticky dry came over his mouth, his stomach felt to swell as the question arose. “Noth-” he covered his mouth and ran to the bathroom, he threw up as Bev started to walk back.

Bill started to recognize what was happening, he was puking all over Beverly’s toliet seat and clutching onto Stan’s sweater. His body dissolved into the floor he was nothing but water, until Bev touched him and asked if he was ok.

Drained Bill smiled nodding his head, these people depended on him to be strong. A little inconveince shouldn’t break him so much. 

“Where are your towels let me pick this up” Bill’s body shook under the weight of gravity as he stood.

“Bill what’s going on” Richie asked standing in the doorway.

His vision blurred, “Nothing probably just got a stomach bug” 

Bill grabbed a towel started wiping the toliet seat, after flushing. Everything had hit him so hard, he didn’t know how much he was holding back until Bev was rubbing his back and Richie said some ridculos shit.

He started to realize how much of his confidence relied on Stan, how isolated he made himself be, how easily he fell in and out of love, and how fragile he was. Bill needed to compose himself, but everything was falling apart he couldn’t get a grip of reality.

“Can I talk to Richie alone real quick” Bill looked at Beverly.

“So Billiam” Richie rubbed his nose.

“I broke up with Stan and and I don’t know I’m over reacting and I don’t know how to stop it”

Richie hopped down from the sink, bringing together the mess Bill was with a simple touch. He reached in his pocket, grabbing out a pack of gum, “Chewing makes your brain think everything is alright. I’m sorry I know it’s not a lot”

Bill’s fingers grasped the gum, his knuckles were pointy as a tear fell on them. Quickly scrubbing his eyes to get rid of it. “Thank you” 

“Broken heart Billiam, it’ll be ok” he pulled him into a hug and kissed the top of his head. “We can do something tonight if you want”

“I would enjoy that”

“Yeah” Bev smiled and walked closing the door behind her.

Henry smiled, he looked relaxed almost pretty. He looked at Richie and it disappeared, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow” he walked up to him “the fuck you want”

“I just want to talk” 

“Of course you do, what about”

“Patrick I want you to stop him doing that to Eddie”

“You think I control what he does”

“I think you have say in what happens, just make him stop can’t you do that”

“What’s in it for me”

“I don’t know, what do you want”

“My dad dead, and you to be home every weekend”

“Every other weekend and Tuesdays”

“And Thursday we’ll have a deal”

“That’s all you want me to come home”

“Yeah, and no dates with fag boy”

Richie went quiet for a little bit “Alright deal”

“Well I guess I should up hold my part of the deal see you tomorrow dick head”

“Bye”

Eddie took a sharp breath as he hit the 

Bill and Richie sat in a tent in the forest. Booze and marijauna scattered on the ground of it.

“I really thought he was the one for me when we were friends” Bill rubbed his nose.

“Love’s hard to understand. You can’t trust yourself to know who you really want to be with”

“Stan was perfect, our personalities went so well together and he and I we’re so close”

“Or was he just the only other guy you knew had homosexual tendacies”

“No of course not he was special to me”

“Special can be in many ways, Stan is still uncomfortable with himself rushing into things isn’t the best idea for him but that shouldn’t stop you from finding happiness”

“You know Eddie isn’t ready for a relationship yet you still go after him”

“Hey I’m here to being supportive not be yelled at”

“You need to be yelled at sometimes. You’re a bad influence I’ve heard some of the stuff Bev has done with you and you think Stan and Mike are going to allow you to even look at him like that”

“You don’t even know half the story, Stan and Mike don’t even like me talking. I’ve liked this kid since I was 8 and ever since then I’ve had suicidal thoughts I used try to burn my house down because I like him. And those 2 years we didn’t talk actually Bev is the only reason I’m alive. I’ve known Eddie practically my entire life and yeah you guys got a liking for him what 3 years ago and now he's untouchable. Stan doesn’t know he’s been sexually assaulted by Patrick for months now neither does Mike”

“Oh pity Richie right, Eddie isn’t yours he isn’t ours either. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about what we have to say, you weren’t there when he was emotionally shutting down or when he would cry for no apparent reason or when he just stopped being him. No you were fucking around with Bev, and don’t think I haven’t heard of your body count you whore”

“What was I supposed to do, oh hey Eddie sorry I fucked your entire mental health but I still want to be your friend” he paused lighting a cigarette, “I fucked up and you guys cleaned it up and here I am ready to fuck him up again is that what you think”

“No I think you aren’t over someone who you’ve spent 3 years getting over”

“Maybe I am and I can’t change it” he took a drag of the cigarette, “I’m sorry, Bill I didn’t mean to get mad, I just don’t talk to people about this stuff”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up you we’re trying to help”

Richie blew the smoke up “How’s home life been”

“Wonderful, you know I have to sleep next to an empty room filled with my brother’s stuff and my parents can’t seem to get it in their heads that he isn’t coming home. My mom continues to make two lunches for me and my dad continually yells for me and Georgie. It would be easier to cope if I wasn’t reminded everyday”

“Richie come on you don’t want to do this” Bev lectured.

“Shut up Bev, god live a little. You’re just mad because Bill doesn’t like you and your stuck with Ben”

“Stop being an asshole and think about this”

“Fuck you” Richie went off to find Bill again.

“Oh Richie” 

“Billie how are you enjoying it”

“This party fucking sucks”

Richie’s grin grew, “Want to blow this place” he swung his keys on his finger.

“Of course” Bill grabbed his arm following him out.

Smoking blunts in the back of Richie’s car, they listened to some shitty music Richie had in. Bill had forgotten the shittiness of the week and fixated on Richie and how his hair rubbed against his neck. Richie clasped his hand around Bill’s, they may not of been his but they were comfforting and there for him. 

Richie held Eddie's hand as they ate breakfast. Maggie had already left and Richie had made waffles in the toaster. Eddie moved the waffle back and forth, sometimes causing a scratching noise.

"Eddie you should eat it" 

"I am"

"Come on Eddie Spaghetti you can't eat nothing" 

"I've eaten enough" 

"Eat a little more"

Eddie rolled his eyes cutting another piece, before eating it he scratched the back of his neck letting go of Richie's hand. He took a bite and pushed the plate 

The cigarette

"Richie you're wasted you need stop drinking" Bev lectured.

"I'm not even drunk" he slurred.

"I'm bringing you home, you can talk to your mom about this"

"Fine I don't care"

"Hello Maggie, I'm sorry to wake you so early in the morning, but your son here has gotten a drinking habit and I don't want him to be there any longer" Bev held Richie up who was staring at this stars.

"Oh, I'll take him off your hands then, have a goodnight Beverly" Maggie took Richie in shutting the door behind her.

."Are you mad" Richie laughed a little as he sat at the table.

"Yes but we'll talk about it in the morning"

"You should be mad at me, I'm an abomination how could you feel anything but anger about me" 

"Richie I love and I'm proud your my son"

"How I ruin everything, god mom I'm surprised you even let me in your home"

"Richard I get you're drunk but stop talking about yourself like this"

"Why I'm a faggot a queer I don't deserve to be alive"

"What!? Richie why didn't you tell me"

"Because I'm scared I don't want to be like this mom I want to be like everyone else" 

"Oh baby, no no it's ok you can't think about yourself like this Richie I love you no matter what" Richie tears kept falling into his arms even after the acceptance.

"Why me? Why couldn't it be someone else? Why couldn't I be normal?"

"You're perfect just the way you are you don't need to be normal Richie"

"People would like me if I was normal I would be happier"

"People like you honey Bev likes you and Eddie likes you"

"Eddie hates me he doesn't want anything to do with me, and Bev doesn't see more than a drinking buddy who won't hit on her"

"What happened with Eddie"

"I god I was an idiot I beat him up and now some idiot beats him because of me. I love him mom and I can't even talk to him"

"Hey it's ok, you'll find someone else"

"I don't want anyone else I want him mom, I want to hug him and apologize for everything I've done"

"You can't force someone to love you. I think it's time you head to bed"

Richie woke up and went down stairs, met with his mom sitting at the table.

"We need to talk Richie" Maggie took a drink from her cup of coffee.

"About?" his voice cracked, not sitting down yet.

"Last night"

"Ok"

"I don't want you coming home that drunk again, now if you do get that drunk again you are allowed back here I just don't want you drinking that much again. Partying is allowed but I want you home at 1 please any later you best give me a good reason for it. And I want you only going with Beverly"

“Oh yeah sorry mom, I didn’t mean to get like that”

“It’s fine baby just try not to do it again” she stood up and kissed the top of his head and scruffed his hair before going off to get the toast that had popped.

A year prior Richie had jumped out his window to go to a party he heard about through rumours around school. He drank a shit ton and ended up sleeping with some girl that he ditched before the sun even came up. A red-head stopped him from taking a jug of rum, the first time he met Bev. Mostly he didn’t remember that night, he barely remembered Bev even being there, he did however remember the happiness he felt the whole gauged so deep into his weak heart filled for the first time in months.

In that year his grades plummeted, no one cared though. Richie drank and drank trying to encapsulate that feeling he once felt while he was young, with that boy in that ugly pink polo on. His body count started to go up even though he didn’t go in with the intention of sleeping with someone. The year was chaotic and unstable he was left with nothing but the feeling of being nothing, he was growing into someone he never wanted to be.

Richie would see Eddie around school, they had History together too. Richie would tend to stare, Eddie never seemed to notice or care he never looked at him not even to make a mean remark. It felt like when he would jump off that cliff, falling knowing what was going to happen and just waiting as you fall. 

“Eddie?”

“Yes, who is this”

“Remember when we would play hide and seek with my neighbors, and I would get mad when you would hide with me, and that one time it was snowing out and I pushed you into the snow so you wouldn’t hide with me, you laid there for a while. Your mom yelled at me because she thought I made you get frostbite, maybe you did your fingers are so much colder than before then. Are they still cold? Do you hold someone else’s hand when they get really cold you can’t bare it? Do you miss me?”

“Richie god why are you calling me so late at night, I thought I said I don’t want to hear your voice again”

“Is that a yes, I don’t know if my hands are as warm anymore”

“Are you drunk you fucking idiot”

“No, am I drunk Bev, nevermind she said yes”

“Fuck Richie go to sleep”

“Spaghetti come on now, I just want to talk, how’s your mom haven’t fucked her in a while. Can I still use that joke or is it weird because I’m like not a virgin anymore Bev is it weird, well I guess it is anyways I miss you”

“Too bad, have a goodnight Richie”

“Wait don’t hang up”

“God what Richie”

“You know right, you the thing because of Patrick right”

“You being a fag”

“Yes! That’s a terrible thing and all but I should’ve told you, kind of shitty of me sorry”

“Is that all dumbass”

“No, are you mad at me”

“Yes, didn’t think you would miss it”

“Bill where are we even going” Eddie complained stomping through leaves.

“It’s a surprise idiots”

“Where is Stan and Mike” Richie pushed his glasses up.

“Mike said no and so did Stan”

“Is he still mad” Richie kicked Eddie lightly, trying to trip him.

“Yeah” Bill smiled pushing a branch out of his face.

“What happened” Bev asked.

“Oh Bill stole Stan’s sock” Richie fibbed.

“We’re here dumasses” Bill showed them an empty parking lot with one old car in it.

“What the fuck is this Bill” Eddie pouted.

“Oh it’s an old parking lot for a building they never finished” Ben replies looking at the bare bones of what is there.

“How do you know that fatty” Richie looked over donfused.

“When’s the last time he hung out trashmouth” Bev asked while sitting on the top of Richie’s car.

“Just the two of us? I don’t know maybe last month”

“I don’t remember the last time I felt something for someone other than Eddie, probably fucking Bowers, every person I’ve touched or fucked is meaningless 

They were sitting in the back of his car taking hits from his bong, and he blew smoke in her mouth and then she would do the same. Richie had never thought of her this way, but he was taking off her shirt anyways. Her lips tasted of honey, he thought he was imagining the flavour though. Setting her on his lap, tracing her spine up to her bra strap.

“No I’m not surprised either this thing is just something that comes with you”  
“No I’m not surprised either this thing is just something that comes with you”  
“No I’m not surprised either this thing is just something that comes with you”  
“No I’m not surprised either this thing is just something that comes with you”

Richie froze up “Ben you’ve done these things with him”

“No, well I mean not this far” she motioned to his hand down her jeans.

Richie pulled his hand out, resting it on her thigh, taking the other and rubbing his face “We’re friends Bev I want to keep it that way”

“Come on Richie, you’re not one to chicken out”

“If I wanted to fuck somebody, I could ask Henry”

“He’s your step brother”

“Nah our parents haven’t done together they just live together to make crack faster” he scratches the nape of his neck “You wouldn’t do this with anyone else why me”

“Because you’re attractive, funny, and I’ve known you for so long it’s hard not to think of you in any romantic way”

“You’re willing to cheat on your wonderful boyfriend who’s smart with a bright future for a one night stand with me”

“Well I thought it would be more than once”

“Come on you know nothing is more than once with me”

“Rich are you serious right now, I’m half naked and now you’re having second thoughts”

“And I have a bonor ok I don’t want to fuck you Bev”

“Fuck you” she started putting her clothes on.

“I’m sorry Bev, you’re still my friend”

“Go fuck yourself Tozier” she got out of the car slamming the door as well.

“Hi Mr. Bowers is Henry here” the overgrown asshole looked the boy up and down, his eyes stayed looking at the sweater around his waist a little to long.

“HEnry, he’ll be down in a minute dweeb”

“Thanks” he waited a second tapping his foot on the dirt of the driveway. “Dickhead get in the car” 

Sitting in the back of his car again, with blonde replacing red, he draped his lips on his collarbone. This is all Henry could ever want the attention of the only person he’s ever wanted. Richie was hurrying the moment, Henry couldn’t think of the end, taking their shirts off and taking his belt. Richie was in his boxer waiting impatiently for Henry to be the same. 

“What was that about” Richie put his shirt back on.

“What?”

“That whole thing” Henry clarified.

“Nothing, put your clothes on I’m bringing you home” Richie hopped in the front seat.

“We were gone for what 25 mintues my dad’s going to be pissed”

“I’ll bring you to Patricks”

“It’s thursday”

“I’ll bring you to your mom’s”

“Fine” Henery covered his fractured skin with clothing in the back, digging through the seat pockets. “Dear Richie, I hate you you fucking dickhead” Henry read the note he grabbed. Richie snached is out of his hands.

“Stop snooping dickhead” silence fell the rest of the way there. “We’re here get out”

“Can I have a kiss goodbye” Henry giggled a little.

“No just get out” Henry flashed his pocket knife, receiving what he asked for. “Get the fuck out now”

“What are you in such a hurry to do anyway”

“Nothing concerning you”

“Come on Rich, have some more fun with me”

“Get out”

“My door’s locked” He smiled holding his hand on the lock.

“Come on dickhead don’t ruin the night”

“Fine, you better be here tonight”

“Yeah yeah I will bye Henry” he sped off as soon as Henry got out of the car.

“Tozier? The hell does a loser like you want” Stan looked disheveled.

“Can we go somewhere alone”

“How alone”

“That cliff”

“Fine”

Another silent ride they arrive, they got out and sat with their feet dangling over the cliff.

“What did you need”

“To talk to someone who didn’t want to be in any romantic thing with me”

“Oh then you came to the right guy” Stan smiled.

Richie cleared his throat, “so I know you don’t think I’m the best guy but I need help being less approachable”

“What”

“God let me explain, so I stopped hanging out with Eddie right and that was down ward spiral that lead to a lot of teenage sex and now I can’t get the lable of being somebody anybody can sleep with. I mean ever since I started hanging out with you guys I kissed Bill and almost fucked Bev when all I want is to be in a relationship with Eds” Richie explained.

“Wait you kissed Bill”

“Didn’t he tell you”

“No why would he”

“Because you guys we’re together then”

“What he cheated on me with you, you the trashy whore” Stan was placed in a trance.

“Hey I may not have a strict moral code, but I didn’t know that you guys we’re together when it happened”

“Richie Tozier stole my boyfriend” Stan muttered looking at his hands.

“Stanley hey Uris come snap out of it you can beat the shit of me if you want just snap out of it”

“Yeah I’ll beat the shit out of get up” Richie jumped to his feet and waited for Stan to get up as well.

Stan threw a punch, it was curved and his fist was a little loose but it still hurt like a son of bitch. After he kicked his shin and his nuts.

“I’m going to be honest, I’m high right now and this would a lot more if I was sober” Richie held his crotch.

Stan punched him in the face one more time, Richie moaned as he hit the ground. “What the hell Richard” Richie laughed on the ground.

“You done I might get a boner if you continue” Richie winked getting up.

“Ick step one don’t make everything so fucking sexual”

“Oh you’ll help me then, I can help you learn to punch in return some jack off material than too”

“WHat did I just say”

“Sorry sorry” he rubbed his cheek. 

“And two don’t hold yourself so loosely god you’re just asking people to talk to you”

“Leave a message after the tone” Eddie groaned and hung up, walking to his room.

Eddie looked at the blood drying on his hand, and felt his lips that along with dried blood had dried cum on them. Tears started streaming down his face turning red by the time they got to his neck, they didn’t stop they just kept falling and falling. He just wanted somebody there to hold him and comfort him, anybody would be better than crying while sitting next to his bed.

“Third stop being so horny, goddamn you are what 17 and horny than rabbits calm yourself dude, think with your brain instead of your dick sometimes”

“That’s hard your still a virgin you wouldn’t understand, cigarette?”

“Sure” he took the cigarette and put it in his mouth and waited to be lit.

“Stan the man smoking, best stop hanging out with me while you're ahead man” he lit their cigarettes and listened to Stan cough for a bit.

Eddie stood in the shower letting the water hit him as he stared at his dick, wishing it would just disappear with the rest of him. He stood there until the water went cold, then he got out and sat on his bed wrapped in a towel.

“So to throw a good punch it’s got to be straight on none of that curved bullshit, and you’re aiming behind them alright now his me in the chest” Stan hit him not as hard as before, but he did seem to get a little better. “Now if you want to beat the shit out of them, punch them really fucking hard they fall then kick the shit out of them and if it becomes a habit out your cigarette on them works everytime you’ll seem like a complete dick after”

Eddie smiled at the picture of his friends all smushed together, they we’re all so happy. He missed them it had been almost 3 weeks since he’d seen anyone of them.

“It’s getting dark I should probably get home” Stan looked at the sunset.

“Yeah this was fun we should hang out more”

“Maybe trashy”

They slammed the doors and smoked on the way back laughing at Richie’s cheesy jokes. After Stan left Richie drove past Eddie’s house and noticed the absence of Mrs. K’s car and decided to drop by for a little bit. Knocking on the window he smiled waiting to see him again. View he received was not what he had hoped for, an Eddie that wasn’t grumbly but instead puffy eyes with cuts on his face.

“Spaghetti what happened god you look like shit it’s Thursday I should’ve come sooner are you ok baby”

“Richie” Eddie replied in cracked hoarse voice with a smile. 

Richie climbed through the window and started looking at Eddie’s wounds. Eddie looked at him with big eyes a smiling never leaving his face.

“You still smell like smoke too, and you haven’t brushed your hair and you’re glasses are still dirty as hell you’re still you after all” his voice was still broken and harsh hear.

“Of course I do idiot it hasn’t been that long” Richie rubbed his hairline that had a cut on it as well. “What did he do”

“The same he always does it’s fine you're here now and it doesn’t hurt anymore”

“Have you eaten today or taken your meds”

“I haven’t taken my meds in 4 days”

“Eds what why haven’t you, are you feeling ok”

“I’ve never felt better I feel like I can feel I cried today and now I’m happy I don’t know the last time I’ve done both on the same day. Oh Richie kiss me”

“What Eds are you sure you’re ok” Eddie pulled him down and connected their lips.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a whore, you are always Eds you sure. Goddamn just do something with me” Eddie jumped on his bed, and bounced trying to touch the ceiling.

“Don’t be rude asshole I’m just worried” Richie watched him for a moment “how about you get down from there you might get hurt”

“I’m enjoying it Richie let me” 

“Right where’s you’re inhaler” Richie looked around the room.

“I want a smoke do you have one, I know you have one give me one” Eddie jumped down and stood in front of him holding out his hand.

“No what the hell you hate it when I smoke” Richie moved back a little.

Eddie reached in his pocket of his jacket grabbing the box. He blew a raspberry and grabbing one. “Loser”

“How are you going to light it”

Eddie dug through one of his drawers taking out a book of matches. Struggling over and over again to light it he got after a shit ton of tried. He almost burned himself trying to light the cigarette. He sat in front of the window as Richie stood in the room processing.

“Did you eat today”

“I ate blood” he pretended to be buff then laughed.

“Let’s go get something to eat then, just go through the window” he waved him to hurry.

“Smells like weed in here” Eddie buckled up flicking the cigarette out the window.

“No idea why” Richie answered sarcastically, starting the car.

“And ass where are we going to eat”

“How do smell that shit god I can barely tell what candle is being burnt half the time”

“I don’t know I just smell really well i guess”

“We’re here” Richie pulled into a burger king.

“I’m not really hungry though”

“You can eat some fries or something”

Eddie swung his legs like a kid waiting for their meal to be done. Richie chewed his nails looking at the mess the boy was.

“Hey remember when I said I would be more honest with each other”

“Sure yeah”

“Well um I kind of made out with Bev and then turned her down and then fucked Henry” he whispered the end.

“What why would you do that what the hell is wrong with you, you horny bastard” Eddie started turning red his heart rate was picking up as well.

“Yeah I know terrible but I don’t know I think I hurt Bev’s feelings when I turned her down. I mean she was pissed so yeah have no idea what to do now because that means I just ruined one of my closest friendships because I said hey maybe you should do this with your boyfriend. I’m screwed Eds”

“Come Bev wouldn’t throw it all away for nothing”

“Yes she would don’t lie to yourself”

“Well yeah but I was trying to cheer you up a little”

“Thanks” 

They ate and ended up driving around for a while. Eddie not shutting up about everything.

“Make out with me like you did with Bev” Eddie said with a generic smile on his face.

“Come on Eds knock it off”

“Come on Richie treat me like one of those girls, make me feel what makes you so loveable”

“Eddie what is with this language” Richie was as red as an apple freshly picked.

“I’m not broken because of Patrick ok I deserve to have a sexual relationship I chose”

“Eds I understand that but I’m not the best person alright”

“Eh Eddie I want to be in relationship with you but I don’t want to kiss you or hug you or touch you in anyway or even look at you unless you’re looking at me eh” Eddie mocked and leaned towards the window.

Richie looked out the window scoffing, pulling out a cigarette pack with only three cigarettes left.

“Give me one” Eddie bounced in his seat.

Richie complied rolling his eyes, “You and Stan are becoming to much like me”

“You’ve hung out with Stan lately”

“Yeah today he smoked with me as well so easily swayed you two”

Eddie’s lips grasped arpund the cigarette and waited for Richie to light it. As he waited he rolled down the window that ruffled his hair as the wind blew through the car. A fire struck in front of his face, shocking him before a breif relazition. He moved his face closer lighting the cigarette

Richie took off his shoes, closing the door behind him. He walked down the same path towards him and Henry’s room, dropping his bag and flopping onto his bed.

“You showed up I didn’t think you would”

“Yeah now up hold you’re part of the deal dickhead”

“You’re worried about your precious baby” Henry leaned over the edge.

“Yeah he looked like shit today”

“I’ll talk to him, but if he doesn’t comply it’s not my fault”

“I’ll beat the shit out of you if it is less harsh you fucking peice of garbage”

“All big and tough now huh, how was your day” Henry asked innocently.

“Good I hung out with some of my friends”

“Which ones”

“Eddie and Stan what did you do today”

“Made dinner, cut some wood for no fucking reason, and argued with my dad on the phone for an hour”

“Sounds very productive”

“Sure, I guess it can be that way” Henry’s voice was drawn out and slow. “My family reunion is Saturday, so Conor is going to be over along with his mom for 2 weeks.”

“Oh, that’s great news,” Richie supplied words through his teeth.

Henrey leaned his head over the railing, “something wrong,” his hair was falling in front of Richie’s nervous demeanor.

“Why would there be a problem,” Richie smiled half assedly and flicked him in the forhead. Henery hit himself in the head reacting to it, and almost fell. Richie laughed at the idiot, while Henery grimaced at the embarrasment.

As Henery said Connor did arrive on wednesday a lot earlier than expected. Instead of meeting him during the Family reunion he instead met him at his job, which he happened to remember.

“Still alive I see” he smirked leaning on the glass of the display of ice cream.

“You as well, I thought you were coming on Saturday” Richie muttered, waiting for another customer to come into the shop.

“I’ll have a mint chocolate chip, how have you been since I’ve last seen you” he smiled so innocently, as if the last time he saw him wasn’t a year ago during one of the worst of his current life.

“Better, nothing like last time will happen though so keep it to yourself” Richie’s fake smile had turned back to a neutural state as he scooped his ice cream into a waffle cone, “you wanted a waffle cone right.”

“Of course,” his smile didn’t falter.

“Hey Brad I’m going on lunch break” Richie leaned and told the guy reading on a chair. “Your total is 1.86.”

Connor handed him the money, “Henery said you’ll not be home tomorrow.”

“I don’t why he would say that He knows I will be, does he understand what a deal is?” Richie handed back the change and walked past the counter to walk side by side by him.

“He’s an idiot anyways, maybe he doesn’t remember what day it is after seeing you” he smiled lightly pushing him. Richie held the door open for him and they sat down in one of the tables outside.

“So Richie how’s your love life these days” Connor bit his ice cream.

Richie looking to left watching the trees blow in the wind “Complicated for now, how is yours?”

“Quite boring you-”

“Trashmouth, I heard some things about you” Richie noticed the voice right away, but to check his suspicions it was connected to Mike, who had Bill Bev and Eddie behind him.

“Guys long time” Richie smiled only making eye contact with a worried Eddie, “maybe you should go Connor I’ll be home tomorrow,” he turned to him, which the blonde was still happy as can be.

“Hey asshole what’d you do to Bev” Bill stuttered bringing his attention back to them.

“I don’t know mate, wut did I do” Richie spoke in a thick fake britsh accent.

“We heard you tried to touch her,” Mike tried to be mean but he was unable to make eye contact and raise his voice.

“Ooh Richie-poo you did something bad” Connor joked poking his head, “why would I ever miss this?”

“Connor is this really the time” he shot him a glance, “but anyways that’s not how I remember it going down, maybe me and Bev should talk more privately.”

“Why should we trust you alone?” Bill asked moving his face closer to his.

“How about Eddie comes with, I would never do anything like that in front of him,” Richie smiled mocking the smile Connor wore most of the time. They huddled up and talked, acting as if they weren’t there.

“So Prince charning did you do something with he?” Connor asked throwing the end of the cone in his mouth.

“No who do you take me as,” Richie looked offened which crumbled into fear “don’t tell Henery any of this though he’ll be pissed.”

“What’re you guys dating,” Richie gave a look of disgust “No, well I wouldn’t tell him any-”

“Fine Richie you can talk to her, but Eddie will tell us everything.” Mike covered while Eddie gave a small sympathetic smile.

“Perfect, I have 24 minutes left of lunch break so a short walk should cover this up, Right Bev,” Riche gave a little bow and moved his hands for her to lead the way. “See you tomorrow dork,” Richie ruffled Connor’s hair as he walked by. After they got a resonable bit a away he spoke up “What the fuck Bev, are you kidding me. Throwing it all away for this, are you dumb?” Richie exclaimed using his hands to emphasize his point.

“I wasn’t thinking rationally I just wanted them to not talk to you, not actually confront you,” she looked just as mad as he did.

“I thought you of all people would be happy I made new friends, and not try to take them away from me and now I try to save you some dignity and you want nothing to do with me.”

“I am, I am proud it’s just that I fucked up I don’t even like you that way it’s just when you rejected me I was fucking pissed.”

“So that gives you a free pass to ruin my friendships and spread lies about me, because I wouldn’t give you what you wanted are you fucking insane,” they had stopped walking now and were pointing fingers. Eddie was standing fiddling with his fingers as he listened to them argue.

“Well no of course not but I didn’t see it that way when I did it I just wanted to hurt you. Fuck I didn’t think it would be this bad when I told Bill.”

“Of course you didn’t think because it seems you don’t think about anyone other than yourself most times you do some shitty thing like this. When’s the last time you talked to any of your friends one on one or when you told Ben you actually like him?”

“Oh I don’t think about other people, whose the guy that fucking ruined Eddie’s life then wallowed in pity oh it’s you crazy. Who is also the guy that contiues to hurt people around because he has no self control ding ding it’s you again.”

“That’s how it is really you know that isn’t true and other things affected that, and what happend to Bill after he tried to fucking kill himself oh you went drinking with him with me instead of treating him the way you should’ve”

“OH so I’m not allowed to fuck up I’m not allowed to not understand how to deal with that situation, but Richie can do whatever the fuck he wants because he’s a saint no matter what he does isn’t that right. All hail Richie who does no wrong”

“Oh fuck you that isn’t even how I act how about cheating Bev I know you’ve slept with people when you were with Ben and don’t even deny it I fucking heard you. You fucking skank can’t be loyal to anyone scared of commintment because of your daddy issues.”

“Umm guys maybe you’re getting a little of topic,” Eddie pratically murmured as he scratched his neck.

“OH I have commitment issues, when you can’t even ask somebody out because you’re ashamed of how you are but you fucking sleep with everyone in this damn town you fucking faggot whore.”

“BEV,” Eddie yelled pushing her not to harshly but enough to make her snap out of it. “Are you fucking kidding me Bev saying that fucking word right now in front of me, and Richie calling her those words are guys any better than fucking children. Fucking apologize and Bev go tell Bill and Mike that you lied and misread the situation you assholes,” Eddie snapped from one to many things, but hearing that slur come out of someone he loves mouth hurt a million times more than the thousands of times Patrick or anyone else said it, he couldn’t ignore this this time.

“I’m sorry Bev that was rude as hell and I shouldn’t have said those things,” Richie filled the silence that lasted mulitple seconds.

“Yeah, I’ll go tell Bill and Mike that you didn’t do it,” she looked at Eddie, and walked past..

“I have to follow her actually, my break is probably over,” Richie walked past Eddie as well looking away from him.

“Hey wait for me,” Eddie jogged up to him, “you alright, I guess you were right, heh first time for everyhting.”

Richie shoved him mouth agape, “I’ve been right about a lot of things, jackass I was right you’re an idiot.”

“Maybe a few things, but not many,” Eddie giggled, Richie looked away all of a sudden entranced by the grass shivering. “Who was that blonde kid?”

“Connor, he’s Henery’s cousin, what you jealous,” Richie poked fun.

“Henery’s cousin? My apologies can’t believe how close you are with the Bowers,”

“Yeah, well family,” Richie scratched his face stopping his walk which allowed Eddie to catch up to the few steps he was ahead, “well work see you,” he smiled, quicklyleaving inside not listening to Eddie’s goodbye.

“Richie, you remember 

Richie glared at the reflection, not the person just their actions.

Eddie ran, he rarely did his asthma would act up. As he ran, music blasting in his ear, he didn’t feel like a bag of diagonosis his mom stamped him with

Eddie waited for a knock on his window, he started to realize how much his happiness relied on it.

HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS HORRID HUH AND TERRIBLY SAD FOR WHY HUH ALSO THAT SUICIDE NOTE THAT WAS THE BEST THING IVE EVER WRITTEN THANK YOU FOR READING THIS AND IF I EVER MAKE THIS BETTER MAYBE I'LL LET Y'ALL KNOW :)

**Author's Note:**

> well if you could comprehend that and got here, i hope you have the best day and know that you change so many people even if its a tiny bit and matter so fucking much please remember that :)


End file.
